My Mind, My Feelings

阴晴不定

2011-12-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

Kinda frustrated recently. Hopefully I won't get the reason right for the frustration. I lost my frustration to the room door, especially, and felt very annoyed of what I already felt annoyed to. However, I am kinda patient when I am driving, even more patient, which is surprising myself.

When I feel so frustrated and very emo, is surprising that the person I thought of is not that somebody, but Lord. I prayed. I did felt a little better after talked to Lord "in silence". Therefore I haven't lost my frustration to anyone yet, until got any complaint. However, I felt not very ok...

Well, is not that I am having PMS, and not emotional problem, I just feel annoyed and frustrated in a sudden, without I even can control and at last I noticed that.

Stop the crap, please...

想多了还是其实很复杂?

2011-12-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

嗯，因为不愿意面对自己的感觉，又怕想得多会把它想成是真的，所以都没来这里抒发。

最近与他见面，我知道我是不喜欢也不习惯正眼对着别人说话。对着他说话，也是这样，虽然我猜想，也感觉到他对别人，对我说话时是正眼看着我的。我只是有时会与他对望一下，却让我看见让我舒服，让我感到可靠的微笑。嗯，可靠这词好像用得不对，怎么说呢，我想这不能以笔墨来形容吧，这是一种感觉，他的笑容总是能让我不拘谨自己的面孔，笑出来，因为我不怎么爱笑。

会想念那笑容，这代表什么?

我总是很调皮地与他讲话，好笑的是，我们都是用英语，有时掺掺来交谈。他总是会在每说完几句话就笑的，就是喜欢看他那笑容。

我喜欢, 现在其实在想那笑容。

一厢情愿还是太容易感动?

2011-10-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

那时的我，心灵上也许有点脆弱，别人看不出，因为自己硬撑了。遇到一个关心自己的朋友，因为她比较年长的关系，所以突然我想要一个姐姐。也因为她比较年长，也基于一些原因，我就知道她不会陷害我，不会对我假情假意，所以我让她关心。我与她相处也比较开心，舒服。不是说我不让其他朋友关心还是什么的，只是，想说：我受够了，朋友背叛了友情，我有时不太相信身边的朋友，即使他们看起来有多真诚，当然我是不会先对别人假情假意，但若我还是受到无理及无礼的对待，我现在在问自己我是不是在笑里藏刀还是敷衍那些人，有时，我发觉我在这方面还蛮在行的(有点贬义的说)。

与她说话，谈天，真的很舒服。我还记得她曾经说过，想哭的话，找她吧，她可以给我一个怀抱，还说我俩够平，所以没什么距离，可以抱得蛮实的，有点被炸的感觉吧，但感觉还蛮温馨的。我到最后都没找她，因为不要别人看见我哭的样子。

与她谈话时的感觉是与其他朋友谈话时的感觉是截然不同的。也许这样，我容易被她的话语感动，也比较听她的话，虽然一些比较要好的朋友用同一些话来告诉我。

曾经喜欢她，因为她给我的感觉就像一个姐姐在关心她的妹妹一样。但是，这感觉真实吗? 还是她只是履行了身为一位朋友的责任，也许比较亲切而已。

a so called good news

2011-10-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

Well, after bearing the pain for long, finally took the damn steroid. I guessed my stubborn on not taking the steroid has made my body almost out of the steroid, therefore, the second day I took the steroid, my mood obviously got better. The pain obviously reduced. Guessed because of the steroid is flushed out of body system for some time, body couldn't recognize and can accept better the steroid. Tolerance limit gone, I guess.

Well, not sure whether the insomnia I experienced is the result of the steroid or not, I had insomnia for few days, not to say not sleeping at all, I slept very little and totally awake during the day. I am now paying the consequences, sleep a lot, often feel hot temper. I can feel that when chatting with friends online. They also asked why I am so frustrated. Sorry, friends, I couldn't help it.

I am not in pain now, the steroid has shown its effect on reducing the pain. Still waiting to see a right doctor for solving the problem. Still searching...

不知名

2011-10-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

都不知道从何时开始，心情有点恶劣的说。当然，心情恶劣也不会这么没风度把它放在脸上，也许脸会比较酷而已。

知道在忍痛，却死都不承认，好听来说，说是忍惯了。难听来说，说自己是固执，不肯接受事实，乖乖去吃药；但是要吃的药，杀伤力，后遗症也真多的。最后，还是忍不了，吃药去了，因为如果不吃药，我会被自己给烦死了...被自己要爆发但又忍下来的意念给拉着。

最近只是与比较要好的朋友说出我的感受，我以为我忍得了，我以为我能忍得并把一切感受给收藏起来，可是我不能，也许我不是如大家所说的这么坚强，可以什么都忍着，什么都不说，默默承受。或许以后我对主说就好...

Sudden emo

2011-09-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

I knew that I am having mood change. I knew that I don't feel good. I knew that I feel something is not right.

I just can't find out the reason that time...and finally I realized the root of the mood change...

亲切感

2011-08-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

When chatting with HH, I will always feel the closeness and warmth or in chinese we called it as 亲切感, feel like I am having an elder sister who loves me, like a family member.

HH knew my health condition...hmm, HH was the one who asked me this, because I told her about something, then this question popped up. Had no idea why I felt so relieved and warmth after I said those out and I remembered I cried after I typed all that in the chat room.

As time goes by, almost half a year I faced the worsen health condition...All the while I strove, and all the while, my close friends know about this, I got the blessings from God too...although my close friends can't help much, their moral support did gave me strength, apart from God's. I seldom cry, but they lent me their shoulders when I need it...

How great it is if HH is my sister...XP, have been very long since I felt this kind of closeness...hmm...

worsen

2011-08-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I hate to think of the title every time when I started to write every post... *zzz* (LOL)

Well, 2 months ago, is all started with I felt the excessive sleepiness although I slept much more earlier than when I was still in student life, next was my voice turned coarse in a sudden and this is NOT caused by heaty (I am pretty sure about this). Not long after that, I felt the pain at the neck part, followed by the hardening of the swollen near the thyroid gland. I knew is happening again...T.T However, I can somehow face it with calmer heart, compared to before, my inner peace is stronger now...no one would actually know that I am in pain as I can bear it quite well (this is something not to be so proud about...=.= -> well, I am just trying to console myself...) I prayed even harder after the pain started. So happened that, I really got stronger inner peace for that. God really blessed and loved me a lot.

Now, whenever I feel pain, I will need, mainly, cope with the physical side effects that brought by the sickness. I admit that, the physical side effects caused problem to my job...is really not a good sign of good worker as you always fall asleep or feel sleepy. Not to say I find excuses (for I always fall asleep after sit and facing laptop for too long), which that is my medical problem, but, this is the TRUTH. So, if possible, I would just keep standing and walk around (the most serious condition I ever encounter was I can even fall asleep while I was standing) or make myself busy, or WISH that I have a lot of things to deal with, so that I won't feel pain and focus on my work. The worsen part...the 6 days-course of medication of prednisolone is no longer effective to make the inflammation and pain totally subside and my appetite suddenly increases (I have no idea whether this is effect of stress or from the prednisolone's). Guess I am immuned to the current dosage? This caused me to bear for the pain for more than a week, the current situation: I bore the pain for at least 2 weeks...T.T , I hope I never hurt people if my emotions did changed. Sorry if I did.

Well, I am finally forced to visit the doctor for this worsen conditions...my close friends already forced me to do so...the ever worst thing is my parents still don't know my current condition...I wonder did they realize my voice has turned coarse... Ah...damn it...I just don't know how to talk to them about this...

恼人

2011-06-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

说真的，曾经，一度怀疑自己对你的感觉...虽然，最后的那一次是半年前，而我也摆脱了那差点害惨我的感觉。就在大约一个月前，遇见了你，找到另外一种依靠，当时就快疯了，但仔细想，我似乎把他当成精神支柱，另外一个所谓心灵的代替者，那种精神支柱，至少我那时的情绪，心情得以解脱。

说真，对着你，我知道我的问题，我的情绪一定会好转，因为我把你当成了是神派来的使者，我也知道，我想我知道我是被考验着...

自己，不要再迷惑了...清醒...要清醒...

dilemma...a great one

2011-06-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Well, was actually kinda in dilemma which nearly caused me lose concentration during work. Was kinda depressed because i still can't get the solution until now. I know that decisions, evaluations, considerations and deliberations is kinda much, and it is very important to not jump into conclusion so fast by only taking one side's opinions. Opinions are after all opinions, at last, the decision still on our own call, therefore, overall considerations with not affected by others is needed in final decision.

Currently am in a rubber factory be a lab assistant, doing QC work on rubber samples, either their own production or from other manufacturer. This can be considered a chemistry field. Well, seriously to say, the working environment I am facing now is not up to my expectation. Ok, just a little complaint from that. Seriously working life now, for now, can help me kill time, gain some pocket money, can help me by think deeply on my own interest. Instead of thinking of it at home and doing nothing at home, why not think about it during work, maybe I will have more inspiration on considering for every aspect. Plus I should not be choosy as a fresh graduate, try everything, everything will be new for me. Try to like my job, even though the working environment might not as what I expected.

For further studies, or continue working after my convocation...I have consulted from Him for this. To further studies, a lot of procedures need to be followed and not that easy to get that. Working...am I really going to work in rubber factory for long? How about other fields'? My friend told me that, I have to decide properly, think properly, and tell Him my thoughts then left this to Him to lead me to the way (if I am not mistaken or misunderstand the meaning). After this, just left Him to lead me and answer my prayer. Is it when I tell Him my decision, I shall not judge it and accept it? Ah, is so hard to express my dilemma now about passing my prayer to Him. I told this to my friend who is a Christian. Well, until now, I still haven't get my words organized and tell my friend the dilemma on this. About trusting and leave it to Him and to not judge, etc. Oh, headache...

My choice and field of interest for now is...pharmaceutical chemistry or technology, or drug design... Who knows later I might get interest in polymer chemistry...DILEMMA...

Weird

2011-05-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

Well, is kinda weird for me today. Dinner with family at the dining table. Normally, either one of the family members not there or I will just avoid from being together. Today, all of us sat together and have dinner. Because three of us (my two brothers and me) wanted to go to watch movie, so we kinda ate quite fast. Although is like that, still feel weird because all of us eat together. Well, many people will say that this is just a normal thing, why should I feel so weird about. This is because, I used to always avoid from being together, as I don't like being asked this and that, being asked on those questions that I don't feel like answer, and most of the time would end with quarrel. Today, was a little rush, so, don't get to talk too.

Now, get to be at home...I somehow scared that, there will be even more quarrels. So, if no need to talk much, I will try not to talk so much...(to be continued)

a happy day

2011-05-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was the day, the happiest that I ever experienced after stay so long in Kampar, the feelings and the warmth atmosphere with friends. I guess, I am the last one to leave Kampar among my classmates, as I need to send my thesis to be hard bounded, and at the same time, I need some space and peace mind to do some thinking here about my future plan, and things to settle in campus. Although is a little bored, but my friend, H still here and S too. That time, I feel it would be nice because this two good friends are here. S also needs to send her thesis to be hard bounded, therefore, stays in Kampar too.

Needed to send something to H, so, I went to H's house with S. Then we talked and laughed for more than an hour outside the house...LOL. That time, what I can say is, the happy feeling and the warmth, I feel the nice and happy feelings when talking with them, seriously, I never feel that happy before; not to say that I don't feel happy with other friends, happy feelings also can be divided into different levels. Maybe our age difference is not big, so, we can talk and laugh like nobody's business. I remembered H told me that, if my birthday is near, she will organize a make-over party for me to change me into a more girlish GIRL for a day...H mentioned that again yesterday, and both H and S were like challenging me...lol, I was like laughing and said that if both of you remember and daring, but need to wait until next year...LOL. Guess what, I felt warmth for this. Then H talked about her experience about her and her "kaki" organized a party for her friend who is actually pretty but likes to wear boyish clothes. Then everything was so funny until we LMAO. One thing that was very FUNNY is, she said that the birthday star's feedback on the birthday present was: 谢谢你们"强暴"了我...OMG, it was so so FUNNY, not only that H's tone was funny when saying this, and also H's facial expression, laughed like hell that time, the three of us. I enjoyed the moment very much, because I don't get to laugh like that, even though with the friends that I think is very close.

Although is just a short chat (maybe some of you think is long), but seriously to say, I felt very happy. I posted on Facebook, saying that 似乎好久没这么开心过了，谢谢你们两位朋友, actually referred to both of them, and I guess they knew what I meant, because they "Like" my status on Facebook, this happy feeling, is hard to express by words as described in chinese saying "非笔墨所能形容", but I would never forget this. I guess the most probable explanation is I like this two friends, and I appreciated their help on me.

pour out

2011-05-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

I slept at around 0430 this morning. Yes, 0430, you see the right time, and I woke up around 0930, without the aid of alarm clock.

Why I slept that late...I poured out to a friend, and in a coincidence, I was insomnia that time. I couldn't sleep at all. Some problems bother me for long, and I guess I chose to ignore and avoid rather than facing it. I am sucks in the relationship with parents, we can't communicate well. Due to the quarrels for my health condition, I hid from them and avoid from talking about this issue until now. I need time to sit down and think with peaceful mind. When I talked to H, I don't know why, I feel like I annoyed her so I ended the conversation, I really feel like I annoyed her and bothered her too much on my so called personal problems. Then chatted with another friend, whom I know I can trust to, talked until I cried, but because of just typing it out, I can't release my real feeling. Then with an urge (not from myself, is like SOMEONE urged me), I talked to another friend, who is S that I mentioned in previous posts. I can't recall how long we talked, but I talked until I cried, maybe this is the main urge, cry. I thought that I can handle this alone, I thought that I can avoid this for long even though feel like ignoring that first. The past experience somehow stopped me from step forward to solve the underlying problem.

I cried a lot when poured all out to S. Then we talked a lot too. First time ever cried in front of a friend, normally I cry when I am alone. However, as usual, I avoided the eye-contact, when i poured and cried, my face was facing the door or wall. I knew S understood that. It was a long and deep talk. I appreciated the moment, it made me relieved. And thanks to H for being supportive, even though S said that H won't mind all these. Ya, I think I can agree with S that, if H ever feels annoyed, she won't chat with me for so long. That night, I had a better sleep, a deeper sleep, even though I didn't sleep much. Seriously, I really feel thankful to God and them who be with me at that moment. I felt a sudden relief at that moment.

On the other hand, the dyspnea condition is getting worse. It happened even more often, until I almost call for help to go to the hospital, well, why would I said that I "almost call"? It is like, I feel like I don't trust those doctors or nurses, and I don't feel like cause trouble or burden to the people that care for me a lot. I will feel sorry if I cause them to worry on me. I bear it until very hard. My chest was so tight, dizzy and I hardly breath well. Sometimes, I even get shocked and woke up in a sudden, during afternoon nap. I tried very best to make myself looked alright, and I can guess people will be asking, what for?! Well, those are my reasons: I don't wish to see friends that care of me worry about me, I don't wish to let them see me in such a not fine condition that time. Really hope that this condition won't persist long, seriously, I really scared...

During the FINAL exam

2011-05-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

I guess everyone would have the same response in going through exam period: study, of course...what else that you can do? Well, my focus is not this, of course, I need to study, study hard indeed, but many things happened in between and I strove to get through it and I am glad that God and friends were there to support me morally and mentally.

Strove very hard during the exam period, the weather started to become very hot, it made my room like an oven, a natural sauna for almost 24/7, and it made me felt like I wanna move into the fridge to study instead...lol. My health condition, hyperthyroidism that caused my body temperature slightly high, well not to say high, but easily get very hot easily, the indicator is my palms are HOT, not cool or warm. Besides, the body got very hot, as though I am having fever, fine, all these I can tolerate with it, because I am used to it, just that the increased level made me a little impatient. For studies sake, I bear with it. Next as the second side effect, headache and dizziness came to strike me in a sudden and often, not because study too hard, is that the side effects of consumption of prednisolone finally showed its side effects and those tortured me a lot. Headache and dizziness when doing revision is a torture. I prayed to God that, I need a clear and peace mind to study and let the facts adsorbed to my brain cells, and of course not letting the headache and dizziness screwed up the exam. And guess what, the headache and dizziness didn't show up at the time I was sitting for exam until I finished the paper on that particular day. Third paper, also the second last paper was in 3 days time, the next day after the second paper, because of headache, sudden great pain on the neck, exactly at the thyroid glands part, I lied on bed to rest, I had no idea whether I fainted or I fall asleep, I only knew that, it was a nightmare for me that moment, woke up with no pain, however, sweat like hell (seems one of the side effects too) and the headache still stroke me a little. I told my friend...which until now, I thought that I shall not tell that out...but H knew this, as I saw her online that time, H is the one I wished to talk that time, I had no idea why. That was the worst nightmare that I ever had.

Next, during exam period, high cortisol level is normal, and it increases appetite, too, but the effect was doubled on me because of my health condition. That was the first side effect: increased appetite as a result of prednisolone. Third side effect: short of breath, I know hyperthyroidism will cause difficulty in breathing and short of breath, but it came too often. Fourth side effect, it messed up my menstrual cycle. It came much more earlier than it should be. I guess this was not that serious, because menstrual cycle can be messed up by stress too. Fifth, insomnia, for some people, they would be happy because they can keep on study, but brain is left no rest, can cause severe fatigue and reduced productivity. I had been insomnia for a few days. Damn it!!! I guess I am lazy to describe the other side effects because was not significant enough to affect me.

Every night before I slept, I prayed to the God that, no matter how bad the side effects were, I just wish to have a peace mind, and wish that the side effects won't screw up my exam, I wish to overcome it with calm heart and mind. I went through all these smoothly. Thank God and to my friends who were there to support me. I guessed I didn't cry much during that period because I knew that I was being tested and challenged my patience, and thank God that my mood doesn't being affected, if not, the condition would get worse, even without all those side effects.

After the exam, I thought the pain will come back to strike at me even harder, well, it DOES NOT. I guess He heard my prayer that I do not wish to take prednisolone anymore? I admitted that prednisolone did helped me relieve the pain, but I couldn't deny it would bring destruction too. Seriously to say that, I had no idea and I forgotten how I gone through that tough period, but I am proud to myself and praise the Lord for all these.

End of my Degree in Uni life

2011-05-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

Well, 11:00am of 11/5/2011, Wednesday, that's the end of my FINAL semester examination and also the end of my Degree life. However, no one actually shout out or very excited. Why? I guess was due to the last 2 papers that actually almost "killed" all of us. Seriously, when I read the first question, it almost made my heart sunken. I was so scared that I thought I couldn't remember at all. However, I managed to cool and calm myself down, and tried to recall as hard as I can.

Here, I would want to thank a person that meant a lot to me during this semester, let the person as H (is a she). Well, she is my lecturer, and is a very YOUNG lecturer. Just since don't know when, I get quite close and good with H, and ya, we are friends too, other than lecturer-student relationship. Is all began with H has clicked "Like" and commented on one of the photo of "Bible study" album on Facebook. Then I was surprised and from that moment, we started to chat and get on well. H leaded me to express my problems, my difficulties, from the way H talked to me, I know He has sent someone that can actually share my problems and my feelings. I told H that I know I couldn't disturb and add on burdens on my friends that are having exams even though they said they are fine with that, I just know I couldn't, so H offered to be my listener. H had made some mind maps that helped us to understand well and focused on the part that we shall emphasize in. H somehow inspired me in doing mind maps for the last 2 subjects, where the notes organization is actually quite a mess, because I somehow complained that the notes are really a mess and is THICK. H said, why not just do the mind maps, it can help you to remember better, and H said that the mind maps helped a lot to get through her whole Degree life. H shared that her Masters' degree is research-based. H enjoyed a lot and mastered good techniques, this somehow like inspired me, A LOT. I actually did mind maps, and guess what, they really helped me a lot. I can remember that the answers for the questions in final exam paper is in the mind maps. I felt and experienced the benefits of mind maps, because previously, I do not trust on mind maps and mind maps are a waste of time. However, this is the first time and last time for me to experience its power...a big thanks and appreciation to H again.

A big challenge for studying for the exam in this semester, where, the weather is killing people, especially it is worse on me which I have hyperthyroidism (my metabolic rate very high, I always feel hot, and this weather worsen the symptoms that I was facing), and certain medication which side effects showed up one by one, BIG BIG CHALLENGES to me. I prayed to God and I am glad that H supported me morally. The biggest help that H ever done, maybe to some people, it is like nothing, but it meant a lot to me, on Monday, after the Plant Biochemistry paper, and of course is time for me to revise for Toxicology paper, my very last paper for my Degree. I asked H for permission to study in her house, as I know her house is actually much more cooler than my room. H agreed. When I went there, was almost 11:30pm, H let me to stay overnight at her house, and even asked me to go sleep in her room, but I rejected...lol, don't ask me why. I remembered we chatted a while, H was marking thesis and I was studying the last 2 chapters for the first round for Toxicology. The environment in her house is just nice and I managed to complete the first round of revision, and the facts is adsorbed better to my brain cells. This help is so so precious to me. I couldn't express more, conclusion is a BIG thanks to H. I really appreciate it. In fact, I was so touched that time. If not, I will get cooked in my own room. You can imagine that horrible weather and the productivity of revision is MUCH reduced. Without her help, I couldn't have completed my second round of revision.

I got back my marked thesis. I don't know what is the grade for my project, could I just assume that my work is appreciated and is well done?! Well, I guess everyone will think like that too. I thanked her by face for inspiration of the mind maps. Then I told her that I will bring something for her.

After I back from hometown yesterday, I was emo, in a sudden, as promised, I brought some nice food from hometown and I talked with H for almost 3 hours. Besides that, we also talked about other issues, anything that we can talk about. I was surprised that H actually talked to me about some issues that other people shouldn't have know. I appreciate the trust. You know what, everything was just a relief, I felt a lot better after talked with H. It worked every time. I also know He also did the favour to me. Thank God.

Just now, gathering with a friend, actually was a bit disappointed that the others that I really care of (juniors but also my friends) can't join. However, am glad that the friend that joined me for dinner, we always care for each other, and I know the friend is a person that is inner-directed than most of the friends. The friend said that the others agreed for this gathering but just...well, a bit "speechless" and disappointed. What I want is just a gathering, nothing much. Is not to say that I wish for return for what I did, or is it bad to ask for at least a little bit appreciation? Well, whatever. People who knows me, will know what I am trying to explain here.

I am glad that I met a lot of friends and nice though, I am glad that they came into my life, enlighten and cherished my Uni life. I will always remember this 3 years that brought a lot of memories to me.

Experience with Him

2011-04-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well, first of all, a good news here, at 8:50am, 12/4/2011, I handed in my thesis!!! Then, 18/4/2011, Monday, my boss (supervisor) asked me to submit him the hard bound thesis. For your information, and if I am not mistaken, I heard that from my previous batch onwards, there are no more hard bound copies needed in library as too much space is being taken up. But why my boss asked me to do so AND the most important thing, the hard bound thesis wouldn't be cheap. Then my seniors (students who were under my boss's supervision) said, my boss likes to collect thesis. Then does that mean my thesis is being appreciated? Let it be that...it can make me happy.

Ok, coming back to the main topic. Before I really started to do my thesis, I faced a lot of problems, the MAIN problem is I hadn't got my full title yet, until the week before my viva session, on Week 10, which was 25/3/2011. Because of not having got the finalized title yet, I couldn't start writing my thesis. And in the process of preparing the presentation, I faced some health problems. I consulted the doctor, but I didn't get an explanation that really satisfies me; but the doctor's explanation is the only answer I have now. So, for now, I have to just accept it. It's all caused by the inflammation of the thyroid gland, the pain will appear whenever I experience great stress. Great stress, how stressful it is, I think I am now immune to that term "stress". I probably don't realize that I am under great stress after being stressed for long. Well, the pain alarmed me, whenever I was under great stress. The tendency to experience pain is due to stress, as mentioned by doctor. So, I couldn't do my things with a calm mind. And surprisingly I cried quite often - why a surprise, it's because I very seldom cry, I am not someone who cries easily. The pain can be due to the inflammation or due to the stress. Whether it is the inflammation or not, can be determined by a blood test.

Anyway, fast-forward .... The pain irritates me A LOT. I tend to lose my temper, get frustrated, very often, even if I'm alone in my own room, with my own things.

But, thank God, I have never hurt anyone out of this frustration. I told God that I wouldn't want to hurt anyone because of my frustration. I told Him that I wish to have a peaceful mind to complete my things; I don't want to cry. However, there was a particular moment one time, when my mood had gone very bad. Everything seemed out of control and I cried a lot. And I called Pastor Lean See. She and Pastor Steven prayed with me to Him. Guess what? I felt a great relief after that.

(My face expression used to always betray me before this. But not since I started to complete my writing of the thesis and after my viva session. As I get to the end of my project I have made more friends and we get on well. Two days ago, my friend (who is my junior and we get on well) told me that he could tell that I was bearing the pain...Oh gosh, is it really that obvious? But I know no one can actually tell that I'm in pain, unless they really observe me carefully). At the time that I was dealing with my presentation and the thesis writing, almost everyday, I told Him that I wish to complete my things peacefully and smoothly. On the day of the presentation, before I entered the room, I kept praying that I don't want to feel nervous, I want it to be natural and smooth. And it was exactly that - it went so well that my partner asked me how come I was so calm during the presentation. Haha. Thank God that I could go through it smoothly. During the thesis-writing, I felt calm although the pain did strike at me. However, I am strong enough to face that, I am confident enough to face that, because I can feel that He somehow helped me by not bothering about the pain and just being able to concentrate on my thesis writing.

I thought perhaps it would be very painful again after I completed my thesis? And guess what, it WAS. My mood started to become bad again.And once again, I asked Him, Why? I asked Him what to do. Then that same day, I started to take the medication that I REALLY HATE as the medication causes various side effects. I talked to Him once again. At least I feel calm starting from last week. Now, I'm on my final mission in completing my Degree, my university life, which is to go through the FINAL exam which starts on 28th of April. I do wish He will be with me to go through it with me; I have prayed this.

the busy life yet contented

2011-04-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh! I have been "disappear" from blogging for more than one month!!! =.= You can imagine how busy am I during the period.

Well, to conclude, I had a wonderful birthday. The happiest thing was the whole class sang the birthday song for me, in the LAB...omg, made me so paiseh that time...XD. Thanks, classmates!
My friends invited me to have home-cooked dinner. Thank you!

I wanted to blog, but...the perception of perfection as my principle somehow "constraint" me from doing that, because i don't want my blog to be looked bad, means, I do MIND about my language power, or did I meet the title that I set. (So fussy, am I ?!)

Ok, cut the crap. For the past few weeks, was in certain physiological condition. Was in pain quite frequent, however, only some friends knew it (of course, this kind of things you want to spread to anywhere ?!) In this critical period, where assignment, presentations, tests, etc all are meeting their dateline or their arrival, I feel like I have no time to deal with those physiological pains...especially the pain that caused by my inflamed thyroid glands or it is just causing pain, because of the tendency I am facing, need to get certain drug, until I get to seek another alternative.

Was in the pain on last 2 weeks. Then I cried even often, maybe I was just too weak that time and no one that I wanted to ask for help (or I just don't want to burden anyone, or to make people to worry so much for me, or I feel that they are heartless with the perception that those people will say something like "who cares? This is your business, your own thing, none of my business, your fault for not taking care!") Yup, I can feel those people would be saying so. That was part of the reason that I thought I cried that often for the past 2 weeks. Or I just don't want to make those that concern about me worry about me. Ah, whatever and whichever. I can't really remember all these.
I hid all these from my friends, even my housemate who is also my classmate. You can imagine how good I hid it. Then I asked for help, from a friend, who is a pastor. She prayed with me with her husband, through the handset. Amazingly, I felt ok since then. Not to say, the pain gone or I am not emo ever again even since then, is just that I have more strength to overcome all those things, that happened to be my obstacles during this critical period. I can feel that He is being with me. I gained the strength, the confidence, etc to face all the challenges which are coming.

Thanks to You. For not because who I am, is because who You are, is not because what i have done, is because what You have done. Thanks for being with me...

just a little bit unhappy

2011-02-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

Things that will make me mad the most is quarreling with parents. Every time when start quarreling, will end with unhappily, in the sense of everyone won't give up scolding or prove themselves right (true fact for most of the quarrel, indeed) No one is that stupid that would give up, including me.

In one day, quarreled 2 times. First with dad, another one with mum. Both quarrels happened in less than 10 hours. Both talking the same thing, and I damn hate the way they talk. *Speechless*. Then the next quarrel, the same thing, happened again, I fought back. Don't every time talk to me in that kind of tone. Then after a half day, for a certain reason, one of my parents need to call me, the tone changed drastically. Conversation ended well.

In the pain, still need to raise the voice to argue, and in a good sense that, I can put off my irritation, of course telling them why I will behave so. In terms of mental status, at least I put off my irritation, In terms of physically, I may suffer a greater degree of pain, because of "shouting" a lot to the handset during quarreling...*Speechless again*.

irritation

2011-02-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

Damn! Please, please help me get through it. I don't want to be in irritated condition. It might bring certain form of consequences if I am irritated. I might hurt people or myself.

Ok, irritation level is increasing. That's why I prefer to be alone and not to mix with other people in talking or having meal. Or before this, I may ask my friend to join, so that I can express myself, but then, I prefer to be alone.

Is grateful that people don't know that I am in pain and am bearing pain, however, irritation is quite obvious if someone really annoyed me. I just wish the irritation also don't show up so often. I really mean it, ok...I am not joking. If I am in irritation, I know I just can't do anything well, ended up screw up things...that's bad, right? (讲废话)

Come on, irritation, decrease your level, can? I am trying my best, so please, cooperate with me, ok?! I just don't want to spoil my day with irritation that might persist for whole day.

clash? crash? crush?

2011-02-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, my mood for these few days, almost like the one sounded in title.

Seriously, I don't really enjoyed much for this CNY celebration. Well, and certainly not because of the duration of the holiday, not because of the weather, not really because I am over 20 years old now...whatever... All because of the pain that was started last Saturday. Ended on Wednesday. The thing is, I can feel that the pain haven't fully subsided yet, therefore, inflammation haven't really subsided yet. So how now? Ya, wait until it is getting worse. (And which means next time I would need steroid to make the inflammation subside? Oh, seems to be that way...)

About seeing a doctor, seems like the frequency of the recurrence of the inflammation caused me not to drag this matter anymore.

Ok, drag? Or no drag? My friend is offering herself to accompany me to see the doctor. That time, I was seriously no idea on why I said so...I said that I don't want to be alone to visit to the doctor anymore...(but every time I hid from my friends about this). And now, if anything is getting worse, I think I shall go alone, ya, to avoid my friend from worrying about me. Ish, I feel like drag until I completed my final semester. Can I? Can...can...can??? Am I able to bear that? Of course I need to know what is happening on me. I know the stress level is getting high, what I can do is just try not to be so stress. I suffer not much negative effects in terms of negative emotional changes, thank Him for that. The pain, I may looked ok, however, how far I can bear for it? I knew that the pain has somehow caused my face to be very "cool", my friends "teased" that my face expression is making people scared of me. As people always said, tolerance and patience has its limit. Well, I guess I have to find another way to drain off the effects that brought up by the increased stress level.

In a "conclusion", this CNY ain't bring much joy to me......WHATEVER!

Uninstall

2011-01-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today, I posted a new "status" on Status Updates segment. Then not long after that, my friend, who actually we got back our friendship just few days ago, asked me about that; seriously, I was so surprised that time. She asked why was I so angry, as "sounded" on my status. I replied by saying that I am actually not angry, but just feel great disappointed.

Disappointed on?! I feel disappointed because I can't hold the friendship with you, I am not good enough to bear with you, to bear with your faithless personality, if I didn't get this term wrong, I am not good enough to be sincere to you long enough while I am actually getting hurt from how you treat me. I had told myself, IGNORE you. Ya, ignoring you. Ya, I won't get myself to care about you anymore. I will let go, but I won't forget how you treat me. From how you treat me, I am so understand this saying: 不是别人不在乎你，是你把对方看得太重. I am care of my friends, so I am "regret" for 把你看得太重? Ya, maybe. However, I know that I have done my responsibility as a friend. Many people knew that I was hurt as a result from what you have done. Well, there is another explanation that I can tell them, mentioned above.

(Seems like run off from title) Ya, for those bad memories from last year, wish I can uninstall them. I posted a post on Facebook, saying that: Uninstall. Then my friend replied that: ya, is the time for new "system". Lolz, yup, is time for new system, new life and better memories, make those bad memories as lesson.

In the progress of uninstalling. Wishing myself luck.

Since I uninstalled the feelings towards S from my mind, I felt in peace now. I won't want myself to deal with those matters again, NOT ever again...

random

2011-01-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Just now, chatted with a friend, who is a senior studying Master of Science.

She suddenly asked me a lot of things and some sort of expressing herself? Ya...I am grateful and appreciate her trust on me to know about that although both of us know for not long. She asked and talked about her confusion of feelings of liking a guy. She said that the guy she mentioned likes her, because the guy confessed, but she doesn't sure about her feelings towards the guy.

Seriously, I think I was in this dilemma before. The feelings towards S. Well now, I knew that I let go that confusion, the truth, the feelings. I feel peace now. I can understand her dilemma, she even told me that she doesn't want to involve in love. Actually I am also scared about that and no confidence on that. So, I told to myself that, I don't want to involve in relationship matter.

If you ask me whether I have fantasy or imagination on having a relationship, my answer is NO. Seriously I don't ever think about that before. I don't think I will get myself to try that, because the confusion made me so suffering, I don't want to get myself that hurt again...

final semester

2011-01-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be my first day of my new semester and also my FINAL semester.

Guess what, I didn't complain that my semester break is so damn short (in fact, my semester break is VERY long, used that to do my benchwork of FYP). In fact, I some sorta miss all my friends, but not my classmates (I have no idea why). I feel excited for my final semester, like a small little child waiting forward to back to school. I go to campus almost everyday for my benchwork, however, because of not attending any lecture during that period, feel like miss something. LOL. Ya, I miss schooling, I miss lectures, I miss the lecture notes, the reports, the assignments, etc. (Most of my friends would be saying that I am crazy...LOL)

I feel excited now...Hehehehehehe...Hahahahahaha!!!

I need peace

2011-01-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

Well, the anxiety, the irritability, the headache, the seems swollen on the neck, the suspicious condition of gaining weight, the mild insomnia...I couldn't deny the symptoms that I am having for the past few days, I couldn't deny that irritability is keep bugging me. Now, headache (yet, I am still blogging here).

Ok, I know if I am in irritation, I can't do anything well. Then I sat in front of my laptop, yesterday, I prayed and asked Him that, do all these symptoms indicate that the inflammation is coming back? I checked about thyroiditis in detail online again. Ya, all the symptoms fit. I prayed for peace. Then, guess what? I went to tidy up and clear my stuffs such as the "cabinet" that put all the whatever garments, and cleared all the unwanted stuffs, rearranged everything, cleaned the big box that I keep all my document case, all my notes, then ironed all those pants (just washed and dried, left ironing), conclusion is I cleared those things that I very seldom clean it, because they are always clean from outside view. (screw it, what kind of grammar and sentence is this...I felt something wrong to my grammar). After I did all those, irritation can be considered is gone. His work? His solution to relieve my irritability?

I shall be strong. And make sure the whatever precaution should be done. Suspected on gaining weight and the fat accumulation. The so called tummy comes out (for other people, they always jealous that I don't have tummy (Seriously, for me, that is really a tummy, although not big until to be considered as spare tire). I will conquer all these...

Irritation and whatsoever, please GET LOST!!!

runaway? or?

2011-01-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

I slept for almost 4 hours for my afternoon nap (it is not called nap anymore...=.=)

At home for the past 4 days, I sleep not so well (or I also have no idea how well I slept, or I didn't sleep much), I felt tired for almost the whole day. Friends who saw me in campus asked the same question and same description on how I looked that time. Fatigue coming back and this symptom gets worsen? A bit too soon to determine this. Maybe I shall rest more, if not, my energy would not recover and is gotta be hard for me to adjust it back after next week as new semester starts soon and is going to be a hectic semester. I have a lot of things to deal with, very challenging ones: time management and planning.

This few days, for the past few days, I knew that I am under tension, from the bad habit. Other than driving, other than watching Japanese animation, listen to songs, I only stay at home. I don't even think of go walking in shopping malls. Slept around 12am and woke up around 8-9am. Quite normal and enough sleep. I don't even think of my lab work. However, after coming back, I know I am avoiding something, I have no idea of what I am avoiding of, until now. Normally when I am avoiding something, sleep a lot is the way, Maybe this time is my health problem...I am just too tired, I guessed. And please, pain, don't come back so soon, as I know that, when inflammation of thyroid glands starts, it will cause pain and all the symptoms will attack in which one of the symptoms is patient tends to sleep a lot and feel very tired for "no reason".

I know I am under great tension, I know life from onwards is going to be very challenging. I won't give up. Ke Jun, wake up!!! Don't runaway and stop avoiding!!!

=.=

2011-01-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

All of a sudden, feel very "dulan". This word, I presumed is quite popular in the society, or whatsoever.

In the middle of my afternoon nap, is getting hotter and hotter. Ya, weather is moderately hot today. Got some sorta irritated because of the heat then I decided not to continue my nap.

Grrr!!! Is my language power and expression so hard to be understood? Something that very easy, yet people so hard to understand it, some more misunderstood it. Is a disaster to me when the message of "don't get what you meant, or I misunderstood it, so I didn't do it", or something that people just "purposely" doesn't want to inform early, last minute only inform, causing people in trouble, made me wanna shout at the phone (even though the message came in the form of sms)

Ya, recently, I easily get angry (not because of PMS), MAINLY because things that did not meet my own requirement, or what planned is not going on smoothly because of some people's misunderstanding or slow pace. Ish! Very "dulan"!

Come on, Ke Jun, you need to calm down. Calm down...

doubts

2010-12-31T05:43:00.000-08:00

Since you have be with her as good friends or more looked like sisters, you have changed a lot. I am not sure whether you are actually a kind of person like that or being influenced.

I feel like something is influencing or controlling. Whenever I want to talk to you, your friend seems that don't want us to be together and seems like wanna be between us. Or you don't want to talk to me, don't want alone with me, so you find an excuse to ask your friend to be in between us? I prefer you to be honest, because you are the one always ask other people to be honest to you whenever they have any doubts. Screw you! Don't you know what is privacy? I ask you are the one only join it but you ask other people too? Don't you know what is respect means? You asked other people to join then you inform me later that, is this called respect? Or you think sure I won't refuse or reject that? I shall have refuse that.

What you recently did made me feel like I am a stupid. Honestly tell you, I hate what you have done. I know you did it, but just that I have no proof to prove that. Even though I ask you, I am sure that you will deny what you have done like an innocent people. Screw that again! Please, please don't ruin your own image and your impression in my mind. I don't wish to accept the fact that you have actually hurt me a lot but you made me like a stupid...

unbelievable

2010-12-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

Normally the colour in a blog post indicate the mood of writing and the feeling of writing that particular post.

In this post, seriously, I have no idea on what colour to choose. I chose this because it looked quite moody and secrecy and a little wicked-ness. LOL

A friend told me a lot of things, (not to say that I fully believe, but I understand how much and how far she gone through, how hurt is the friend).

After she talked, we realized that we were talking those same persons. We exchanged stories. Then we realized that, how sarcastic and how ridiculous one person can be. I think I told the wrong person the wrong thing. However, never mind. I don't really care anymore. Just that I feel that is very "funny" and ironic on how can 2 persons that are sarcastic enough can be good friends. Is it same characteristics possess attraction? It is SO IRONIC!!! I think you all will be feeling weird of the tone in writing this blog, because one of the person is S. After knowing these, it is so unbelievable. No wonder I heard so much of rumours of S.

I started to think about that. Does S ever consider me as friend? Or someone that can be used? Even though S said something that I feel warmth, I started to doubt that now.

For everything that said and deduced, IT IS SO UNBELIEVABLE!!!

2010 is going towards the end

2010-12-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

Well, it is a routine for me to write down what happened to me, no matter how sad, happy, terrific, horrible, unfortunate, blessed, etc in a whole year, during towards the end of a year. What I knew that is this year is much more different than those previous years because for so many years, year 2010 is the most meaningful, for now.

In January, it is Year 2 Semester 2 in Biochemistry. Taken Metabolism II, Molecular Biology, Genetics and Culture & Communication. (Exclude Pendidikan Moral here because I think that is a useless subject to study). I like Genetics the most, and Metabolism II the next. I think I shall be liking Molecular Biology, but too bad, I don't know why got such lecturer, I felt like I learn nothing much in Molecular Biology. Screw the lecturer! And that's why I won't choose Molecular Biology work for Final Year Project, after all, my interest is not in Molecular Biology thingy, but more on chemistry and bioassays.

Met such a ridiculous person. I mentioned the person in my blog before, the person's name is C, and I told you all here that C is a she. Her attitude and whatsoever, made me think that how tolerant am I to tolerate, to deal with, to communicate with this person. She hurt me a lot, but I am "stupid" enough to just bear it and avoid it. Because I know I sure lose in this kind of debate or handling. So, was a hard time for me. However, I got a good friend to listen to me and let me express myself. And I know what should I do. For me, friendship, if want to continue, I may need time to think; but now, I can say that, I don't wish to have a friend like you. However, don't worry, you won't be my enemy because you are not worth to be hated. Lolz. Well, to describe some of the characteristics that is quite common, I shall say, is obvious in her and also common in some people in society. She is kinda person who likes to think she is right for everything, making other people like a dumb or stupid. Friends, among each other, respect is important. Please respect other when talking or doing something. Even though the person you deal with is a bit weak, but you are not right in everything. You are just looked right (LOL). The next characteristics: SARCASTIC. Who doesn't know that. Everyone is fake and got a little sarcastic, the difference is how you express it. Her sarcastic-ness is very obvious until I could say that many people hate her very much.

Sarcastically, I knew that is C planned the birthday celebration for me. I am touched for that, thanks for her for planning it, I know at least I get her to appreciate me as a friend but the most touching moment is the classmates celebrating and the lecturer involved cooperated for it. Thanks a lot!

Around March, if I am not mistaken, the damn incident happened just after my birthday. Because of a misunderstanding, can make a guy so "small gas". Cut it short, the guy kept "bombard" her (C) with nonsense questions, thinking that he is very macho and putting revenge in behalf of others. He "bombarded" my group in presentation. However, main focus in on her. Our group, if not because of him, can end well, and won't interrupt other groups for presentation. Because of him, our presentation taken 1 hour. =.= (That's the reason why she is being hated so much, because gone too far in treating people; I also saw how CHILDISH can a person be) --> I wish to forget about this ridiculous incident.

Around that time too, my uncle, Chin Hoong asked me to join bible study. I joined it. Until now, and I still will join it. That time, I don't know how great of God is. I joined it, because I think I can learn some life lesson. That time I met a lot of new friends.

End of May, followed Max and Crystal to Penang. Their big family, I mean PCDC (Penang Christian Disciples Church). Got to mix with them better. I enjoyed being with them. I feel warmth. Got to know more friends. Is a nice feeling, even they don't know me much, but still care for you, concern about you, is this part of the love from God? I remembered one of them said that I looked punk when she met me for the first time. She played bass guitar that time. Many people said that I am cool that time, until don't dare to talk to me (another one told me after got to mix well with me). SERIOUSLY, had a lot of fun with them even I don't know them very much.
Joined the outing to CCC. And also the hiking to and camping at Pantai Kerachut in August. Someone is very kind to sponsor the payment of the 2 days 1 night trip which I don't know the reason for the person to do so. I am very grateful for that, until now I still don't know who is that, however, a great appreciation from me. Thanks to THAT PERSON again. From that, I experienced the first time sleeping in tent, playing quite crazily with friends and get to know and mix better with friends. I got to talk with someone I think that I can trust to of my confusion of feeling to someone, whom is S in my posts for the past half a year. She found me a counselor. I also told these to Max and Crystal, they told me to pray to God. Since that time, I started to pray. They got keep track on what and how I felt.

Around June, I decided to consult an endocrinologist regarding the pain that persists for long and also the swelling that never cease. The doctor checked the blood test and diagnosed that I was overdose with medicine, Euthyrox. That's why my metabolic rate SHOOTS UP and my other symptoms leads me to hyperthyroidism. Doctor also prescribed me prednisolone, at first, I haven't realize that is for reduce inflammation of thyroid glands. (I think that time I was too excited to know that everything can be ok, so didn't ask doctor why prednisolone is for...LOL. The next 3 months, is PAIN again. I dragged one month only got to meet the doctor again because I don't exactly know what happened and I don't have the time yet to meet the doctor, as I need to travel to outstation to meet the doctor. My blood test showed that the thyroid hormones are in normal level. Then doctor suspected is my genetic composition caused me to have inflammation in thyroid glands. For your information, inflammation in thyroid glands has no cause, it just inflamed like that. Doctor also told me that I can't overstress myself, if not, the pain would be coming back even more often. Oh my gosh, which means pain in every few months? FYP is driving me crazy and even more tension, pain was coming back after 3 weeks...== Alternative medicine other than steroid is found. Inflammation and pain subsided after medication for 3 days. The pain had made me has better self-control in dealing with temper, irritation, emotion changes. Thanks for the pain. Thank God for the consequences and lessons. In fact, the thyroiditis and hyperthyroidism had made me to more patience, tolerance, because thyroid disorder is life-long disease. I have no choice but have to accept that I need to take medicine for life-long.

Shocked that my FYP supervisor (boss) changed my FYP title in October. Everything feels like starting all over again. However, get to learn more things, which is the exciting part. I already expected that period for my FYP benchwork will be extended. I can only see my coursemates leaving one by one from the lab. However, for me, is just fine, because I get peace of mind. At the same time, I need to be patient, be smarter, be more initiative in doing my lab work. FYP taught me of time management and lotsa things dealing with communication. I found back myself in doing lab work. I am so not myself if I am not doing anything or too free. I enjoyed lab work. To deal with my boss, I need to be super careful because of his attitude and his routine.

The most important thing that I want to emphasize here is I get to know God, even though I haven't get to "meet" Him yet. Thanks to my new friends. Thanks for the love given.

appreciation

2010-12-30T05:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friend who introduced the medicine to me. Thanks to the effect of Beazyme (papain) and Danzen (serratio peptidase). With 3 times per day for 3 days, each time these 2 tablets, the synergistic effect fought the inflammation and thus the pain. The inflammation is off as the pain went off. Pain is as a result of inflammation, if you know the mechanism of inflammation, thanks to Immunology lecturer, Mr. Yuen for knowledge in Immunology. Doctor told me the condition too, if the same kind of pain and the same symptoms comes back, it means inflammation of thyroid glands happens again.

This time, I didn't drag long, However, one week is used to search for alternative other than steroid. Thanks for letting me found it, if not, I might be suffering effect from steroid.

As you can see, I mean to my friends who close to me, I can doubt that they feel and sense the emotional changes in me, even though I tried myself to overcome and hide it. Whenever I am in pain, my temper, emotion, etc changes to quite bad and quite drastic. Of course, until now, they can only feel it, because of the aura, not because I hurt them. The feeling that I always encounter whenever I am in pain is irritation. A little things that don't fit or don't meet my requirement in doing things or whatsoever, the irritation is very obvious on my face and tone of talking. To overcome from being feeling pain, I sleep a lot and keep myself very busy. Pain made me thinks a lot too. It made me think of how to reduce stress, how to manage time well (as I sleep a lot as a result of one of the symptoms), how to manage my feelings, how to control myself well even when I am not ok in physical condition, etc.

Thanks again to the pain and the medicine. Hope it won't happen so soon again.

recovery

2010-12-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

After the onset of pain, I knew the thyroid glands inflamed again. Ok, that time was finding the alternative medicine other than prednisolone (steroid). Then able to consult from the friend who is a pharmacist. So, I am taking Beazyme (papain) and Danzen (serratio peptidase), they are anti-inflammatory enzymes. As so called enzyme, I will get no side effects from those medicine, checked from internet. Thank you. Taken for 2 days, so far so good. Waiting the effect after taking the medicines for 3 days. Thanks for my friends who walked with me in Gurney Plaza to search for pharmacy. Thanks to God for let me found the pharmacy and got the medicine. Thanks for no drag, if not, the pain and condition will surely worsen. Plus the effect of paracetamol, the pain killer can help relieve the sense of pain for temporarily.

When experienced the feeling of pain, I don't want to trouble people by telling them, so I bear on my own. However, my face expression changed drastically. The pain caused me feel irritated, with no anger, as I prayed to God that I don't wanna in anger. (By the way, is irritation=anger?) I bear the pain until I hold my fists very tightly, almost go and use my fists to bang the glass stuffs. Thank God for shows Himself in time, if not, I really scared I can't control myself. After I prayed, I sms-ed my friend, Chin Ling to pray for me too. Thank you, Chin Ling. She asked me to ask my friends to pray for me too, but I didn't do so, because I think I have burden them much, and I don't want to be such a wet blanket. I considered that dinner as a gathering on Christmas, so I don't want to spoil the atmosphere.

After reached room, I rested a while, by that time, the irritation is gone. Thank God for listened to my prayer. Pain still there, so I rested a while before take the medicine (medicine cannot be eaten straight after dinner, medicine should be eaten 1-2 hours after dinner). On Sunday night, I feel much more better. Thanks to God and the medicine.

Just another one day, lets see the effect of both the synergistic anti-inflammatory enzymes. I feel ok now...^^

SO soon

2010-12-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

According to the frequency of the recurrence, it should be coming back (of course I hope it won't happen again, however, too bad that my body had this tendency to get it) around February or March. BUT, I felt the pain, very slight pain, on and off recently, and this recurred, after 3 weeks of recovery-> is way TOO SOON. This very slight pain (I didn't sprained any muscles or injured recently, and I am very sure about how is the pain feels like), that on and off frequency, is driving me crazy again. Well, I thought I can ignore that at first, then sometimes when I sit down to analyze myself, I feel like I get angry, fussy, impatient quite easily recently, not because of the menstruation (menstruation would cause the same symptoms too)

Pray, is the method I can use now. Hope God can give me the strength to not to be controlled by emotional imbalance that might hurt people around me.

Medicine to cure? Ya, still searching, I won't use steroid first, but I need to prevent the inflammation from getting even serious, pain killer of course has no effect, it only relieve the pain, but it won't relieve the root cause, which is the INFLAMMATION in thyroid glands: Thyroiditis. So, hope to consult a friend who is a pharmacist, whether is there any solution (medicine) to take other than steroid. Hopefully the pain won't "spread" so fast before I get the solution, otherwise, steroid is my option as it relieve and stop the inflammation in a very FAST mode.

Doctor told me before this, I can't overstress myself, if not, the frequency of recurrence will get even faster. Well, the stress, is PRESENT, because of the progress of my FYP. My fingers injured (because of my so called bad habit), I de-caffeine for longer than one month, but still, stress does cause a lot of health consequences. I can feel that stress is the ROOT CAUSE of thyroiditis...

Just couldn't believe that it really comes SO SOON...=(

bad habit...?

2010-12-12T05:28:00.000-08:00

Well, bad habit...this post is talking about my bad habit, in terms of facing something, I have a bad habit when dealing with stress and pressure.

I think my friends realized my fingers always injured or arm got scratched. (I don't have 自虐症...) Then I realized that when I am under stress or pressure, I will keep "kopek" the skin of my fingers (my skin easy to fall off especially on fingers) until I feel the pain or I saw blood flow out only I will stop. Ok, of course I do those in unconscious condition, which means I won't actually realize I am "kopek-ing" the dead skin. Pain? I don't feel the pain, as I am USED TO THAT. I will only feel the pain when "kopek" until the 'alive skin'. To avoid infection, the next day, my friends will see my finger(s) with plaster.

The scratches, usually during sleep, the next day, when bath, I feel the pain, only I saw the scratches...everytime sure more than 10 stripes...=.= What happened to me during sleep time?! Sleep also in stress and pressure mode? (I think sure I "kopek" the fingers nails too the worst thing is I forgot to make them in nice shape and blunt-so that won't cause those wound, that caused those stripes...==|||) Damn, almost every stripes quite deep... --> luckily I brought a medicine that is very effective in healing this kind of injury, it helps "cools" my wound, aka accelerate healing of wound. I am using Enhancer, which is the name of the product by USANA (promoting health science products?! XD).

Haiz...bad habit. I am "kopek-ing" the dead skin again now...=.= Guess next semester this condition would be even more serious...

the solution from Him?

2010-12-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

I admitted before this, I don't believe in the presence of God. For me, it is just a condition or a person or whatever it is that created by the mind of human to place their spirit dependence on it...WHATEVER.

Then got one incident happened, and so happened to be many friends (that I knew in Penang), they asked me try to pray. I still don't believe then I ignored. And so happened to be the pain that suppose to go off didn't relieved yet, then I try to pray. Also the issue of S, the emotional dependence on S, I prayed to Him. Maybe He did show Himself through the consequences after I prayed. The pain does relieved, and many other coincidences. Then I think, in this world, there shouldn't be that much of coincidences, could this be the solutions given by Him? For whatever it is, try to believe in Him. At least, got somewhere or somebody else for me to put my emotional dependence on.

Issue about S, even though the feeling I said was faded, I know is just temporarily, it will rise another one if the root is not solved yet. I prayed to Him. Somehow, I don't really feel much of that after I prayed. Then my friend (not the one around me here) who knew this (they knew the progress) said that maybe He is trying to "take away" the feeling of emotional dependence from me. Well...MAYBE. Maybe this is the solution? Because I DON'T THINK facing S to talk about this is a good solution. I need to know the root too. So, slowly, but I am sure I can get rid of this kind of feeling soon.

What's next?

get better

2010-11-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

On Monday evening, got myself the RIGHT medicine, prescribed steroid, prednisolone. I need to eat this medicine for 6 days, one tablet per day, so is from Monday till Saturday, which is today.
Ok, I don't want the condition to be worsen, it had been very pain (the pain has worsen) since last Friday until Sunday, could you imagine, I could only sleep to avoid from feeling pain... It had seriously affected my temper, mood and emotion. For that whole week, I don't feel like talking to people or doing things that need high patience, if not, I scared I will lose patience and throw tantrum. However, to finish my task until 50%, I need to bear with my own temper and emotion, I won't let pain control me so much. For now, 90% pain and 70% swelling gone.

Ok, I had angry to S because of a very simple reason: when I was in pain, S stepped and crossed my borderline, I don't mind S always talks in quite no manners to me (because can be considered quite close), however, that time, I felt disappointed and the next anger came. I didn't talk to S for more than one week. The day S started to talk to me, I still unwillingly to answer S properly. My pain still there, I scared the pain was controlling my emotion and temper that time. So, I answered S in a very cool tone... Then on Thursday, we talked and tried to solve this issue. At the half of our conversation, we nearly quarreled when talked through MSN, then S asked to talk face-to-face. Ok, fine, talked in my room. Finally, issue solved =) Felt very relieved that time. Then we chatted. S even described the FYP progress in a very enthusiastic expression, I like it...^^

At the same time, I can feel that my friends felt my sincerity and trustworthy and not to "scared" at my coolness...XD. I felt glad about that.

Conclusion: bad temper, impatience, bad emotions had gone away with the pain...

the solution

2010-11-21T07:05:00.001-08:00

I shall correct and make a statement here: The pain caused by thyroiditis, is reducing initially but became worse for the past 3 days...T.T

I have been slept since 12 something in noon until almost 6pm, only in between, around 2 something woke up because of nature calling. Then my friend called. Don't know why, my patience reached the limit and I thought I have showed my impatience in answering the call. Sorry, but my friend said she is fine and she understood that...thanks, Chin Ling...^^ And also replying sms. Continued my sleep after replied the sms.

I slept for so long, because during sleep, I won't feel the pain. And I couldn't be sleeping all the time, so, I shall make myself very busy to avoid feeling the pain... And I shall go get the prescribed medicine, and not to rely on the natural products...ok, last decision!

good news

2010-11-18T06:51:00.000-08:00

Good news for my physical condition. Pain caused by thyroiditis reduced a lot and conditions caused by hyperthyroidism also became better. As mentioned in previous n-th post, doctor cut the dosage of the medicine. The effect is seen after 2 weeks (medicine and endocrine system took 2 weeks to "govern" and body to adapt to the new dosage of medicine taken). My metabolic rate decreases, not that high as before this, I can sense of full after a meal that is not that much. Could you imagine, before this, no matter how much I eat also I can't feel full? From the bright side, I can definitely participate in eating competition...XD. However, from the bad side, I may have cause my liver works overload, and always need eat a lot to have "feel" in stomach is kinda torturing.

Pain (since thyroiditis started to strike on me) caused by thyroiditis made me became impatient and get angry easily, even though with just a simple reason... =.= However, this is overcame by good news mentioned above. So, isn't it nice? The good ones cover the bad ones, I am thinking, if the good news is not exist, I might end up throwing tantrum at my friends or smashing the small glasswares (so that it won't cause so great noise, XD) into the sink. Imagine that... By the way, I am controlling myself well, so far no one "kena", and no glasswares become the "victim"...lolz. Pain, away from me as soon as possible, can? (From the bright side, I know my own EQ is better than before...^^)

not ok

2010-11-16T07:52:00.000-08:00

I am SERIOUSLY not ok, NOT ok, and NOT OK!!!

I am NOT OK in terms of physically and mentally...=(

my temper

2010-11-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

Seriously, my bad temper is back. WHY?!

Ok, the bad temper started since I got the thyroiditis in the end of September or near October. That time I didn't know about that, so I was worried and I lost temper without reason. Erm, not to say without reason, the only reason is I was in pain!!! Is not that I can't bear it, ya, I told my friends who concern about me. I think they should know what happened to me with my sudden change of temper.

Then I found out, when in hormone imbalance, in pain, depressed or whatever, it will affect a person's temper or so called attitude. And it caused me to get back my bad temper again. I became very impatient, easily angry. And seriously, when I was doing my lab work, which the steps need a lot of patience, I felt like smashing all glasswares into the sink...=.= And yet, I got to control myself well. I know I couldn't lose temper to anyone else. So I lose the temper in my own room. By banging the my room's door, cycle very fast by making myself very tired, eat a lot, etc.

As long as the pain still there, and I feel it, I know I will continue lose my temper without any trigger from outsiders. So, I want to say sorry if I ever lose temper or say bad words or do something bad to any of my friends. I know I should have been controlling it, but is hard. I will try my best to control my temper in anyway...

闯祸?

2010-11-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

明知道不可以这么做，可是就是情不自禁地，不知不觉地把感情放下去了。明知道得不到回报，却还是默默地付出...

这一切的一切，是我不想要的。我需要解决问题，需要解决了它...

On and off 的痛苦...T_T

分不清楚

2010-11-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Kinda a bit blur and confused on my physical state now... >.< Am I actually tired? Or very energetic now? Or I am just no mood. I have things to do but yet I am still delaying (those things can be delayed). I am just not in the mood... Ish!!!

Looked at myself on the mirror. Face getting sharper? And the most obvious thing is my face is like very dull and sleepy, with no smile on my face. I just couldn't smile when I looked at the mirror. Maybe I AM JUST NOT IN THE MOOD FOR EVERYTHING!!! What happened to me?!

This few days, boss's order and the workload (a simple test but a lot of steps) caused me very busy, tension and rush, until I can "forget" the pain that I am actually still having it. See? I am really thankful for that. I am not taking the steroid, but taking natural product to reduce the inflammation. Pain is getting very less now, but the swelling still there, a big one... >.< I hope the swelling gone faster. Suddenly I am hoping so much for that, in fact the thyroid glands already swell for very long time. The thyroiditis that I am having now caused me wanted to sleep and feel wanna lie down. Maybe I am getting better in sleep in this few days? (I hope so, and actually I sleep until I am reluctant to wake up, and compared to before this I woke up automatically.) Conclusion: I think I can get into sleep a little better than before.

I am still confused whether I am tired now...I don't even feel sleepy. Or I am actually sleepy now? What do I want? Ish ish...!!!

好久没见

2010-11-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

好像很久没见了，竟然会去想你。想你的笑容，想你的声音，你的声音能让我觉得舒服，开心，自从那次那通电话，我知道我在寻找着这种感觉。

这几天，说实在的，很想见到你，可是就是无法记得你的模样，超坏的我... 说真的，我无法记得朋友的样子，通常在那时刻遇到才知道的，但一遇到，我知道他/她是我的朋友...

现在，好想再听见你的声音...

感触?

2010-11-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

不知怎的，我似乎有股冲动，想要找一把能让我心境平静的声音。我想我能在听了那个人的声音，无论我再怎么不开心，再倍受压力，痛苦，我都能很快地平静下来。

我似乎是找到了。我希望是。最近有点极端(用词好像有点不对)。

现在我有点想听见你的声音...

should I?

2010-11-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

That day (I forgot which day), C talked to me. Started the conversation with me. Ok, I know, C sure asks what result I got. That time I was thinking, C has no other questions to ask, why must always ask this?

Told ya I don't wish to talk with C again. So I asked C why talk to me again. Then C said: "I am not that small gas la, over so long already..." My response that time, I was thinking: "who do you think you are, you think you are the one who is ALWAYS right?" Damn it, fine, I don't want to be so care about that. C always thinks that she is right (Ok la, I tell you all now C is a she.) And C mad at me is because I don't want listen to her. She ALWAYS think that she is good in everything.

Then talk craps...which just crack anything, as long as not related to me, that she doesn't has chance to know my secret and spread around or else. Just told her what happened recently as she asked, but will avoid questions that regarding too much about other coursemates, I will try my best to run off from that questions by talking other craps...lolz. Just don't want to let her know what she wants to know the most. Told ya, I won't trust C anymore. Be friends, ok, but I won't put in trust. But I will make myself looked like I trust her as friend. (I am not fake-ing here, I am protecting myself.)

I was actually think of give C another chance, chance of being friends again. I am still thinking. Well said that, last semester to be classmates, why not forgive and be friends again? I am still considering...

The relief

2010-10-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Consulted from the endocrinologist today at Ipoh Specialist Hospital. Ok, blood test turned up to be ok, everything is normal. Then the doctor, Dr. Ong suspected that I got thyroiditis (inflammation of thyroid gland) because hyperthyroidism causes swelling of gland but not the pain. Since it was subsided from the previous treatment, so this swelling and pain most possibly is due to thyroiditis. Then Dr. Ong said that I maybe prone to this as a result of my genetic composition because I already had this last time plus this time, 2 times. So, means I have the potential to get it again in another few months later...OH GOSH!!! And, thyroiditis is not related to hyperthyroidism that I had now...ok, genetic composition... >.<> that's why I am thin!!! (Yeah!)

At least I know that my thyroid hormones are functioning well, and it is important to maintain (craps), but I still need to eat medicine to maintain it...=.=

Now? 6 days of medication with prednisolone (steroid) to reduce inflammation... And please, thyroiditis, please don't mess with me like that... ok, "blame" my own genetic composition...

bearing...

2010-10-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

Just one more day...one more day, then I would know the answer, know what is happening on me!

The pain is getting serious...is causing me headache too...@@ The pain is like pressing, like last time. In Immunology, this is called inflammation (last time the doctor said so), excess hormone is secreted and caused the blood vessels to swell, more and more plasma accumulate, more and more blood flow to the site, the site is hot and swells and eventually the "injury" site is harden because a lot of plasma, cells, etc accumulate there (if I didn't make mistake in the description of inflammation).

The pain is kinda on and off. But when is on, is deep inside and slowly spread...great! @@ Most of the time I just bear it. (Actually nothing that I can do other than just bear with it). When is off (very seldom in these 2 weeks), of course, I feel nothing (craps!), I grab the time and do as much stuffs as I can. If in pain, really hard to study the journals or sleep. Damn it!

Just one more day...ONE MORE DAY...

害怕

2010-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

其实...

我怕, 我真的怕...

担心是一定有，怕，我想我不曾告诉我的朋友吧...连好友我都没告诉...

我知道担心和怕都没用，一连串，接踵而来...难免会有这种想法...

还是把我的害怕收藏起来吧...不能倒...

接着而来的会是对我来说再也普通不了的抽血，可怕的不是这个，是等待报告的时刻。这次期望的是什么? 希望该出现的要出现? 还是什么都不要? (那不是更加难测? 我想我现在知道发生些什么事，如果报告不是这样，那...)

啊!!! 不要想太多...

hurt?

2010-10-19T23:20:00.001-07:00

Is it true that the closer the particular friend with you, the more he/she will cause hurt to you?!

Just coincidentally bump into this kind of saying. For example a friend is close to you, so means like, by "common sense" or as thought so, you won't take serious or mind about what the friend talked or did to you. Maybe the friend accidentally said something that actually hurts, but the friend thinks that, "aiya, you won't mind that, right?" Actually you are mind about that, but how are you going to say that out? Say it out, might hurt your friend's feelings too.

Somehow, from a friend, I learned that whatever it is, if I feel offended or so, I am asked to say it out. (although most of the time I don't do so, and I will forget it quite fast). I got a friend, in University life, can be considered quite close. When the friend answered in a tone that everybody won't be liking it, I still will say "never mind". Then my friend will say "thanks for understanding and considering". Well, I just don't want anyone feel bad. But is this act right? Even though I MIGHT already being hurt, but I still say is ok. Seriously, I usually feel a bit confused and wondering why my friend behaved so, anger normally comes NEXT if I am very frustrated or feel offended, not FIRST. So, that's why I always say "never mind" for that kind of so called offense.

Or actually I already feel hurt? Hurt until no words can be described. So, anyone can share and tell me about what I said in the very beginning? Is it true?

=( ??

2010-10-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

你这算是躲避? 在躲避我吗? 你这几天的举动，不难让我这有点疑心重的想很多。

是我逼着你了?

说真的，是让我有点闷闷不乐，我在想，是我想多了，还是其实什么都不是...?

hard time

2010-10-18T00:51:00.000-07:00

Felt something was not really right since yesterday morning. Why I need extra energy to breath smoothly? Only that time I realized that the short of breath symptom was getting serious. So what now? The symptom I scared the most is back.

In the afternoon, thought to lie down, hope can relieve, because i really don't know what I can do to relieve the condition. Who knows, when I try to sleep (hard to get to sleep is another problem, is not that I don't want to sleep, when is the time I suppose to sleep, I am hell energetic there, ended up force myself to sleep; until I really got asleep, I woke up AUTOMATICALLY later when is the time I supposed to wake up), I sweated heavily, even with the fan pointing at me...=.= So? Woke up with a dizzy head...DAMN it!!!

Thankfully, yesterday I was alone. Was very upset and down. At the same time, I thought I was under anger and frustration. Mixed feeling. I called (MSN-ing) a friend, let the friend be ZL. I am grateful that ZL accompanied me to talk to distract the unpleasant feelings, and listened to my problems. I know nobody can help, she said at least got somebody knows that and can offer help when something bad really happens. At 9pm something like that, the condition finally relieved a bit. But not totally. I really can't remember how I went through the whole afternoon. I guessed it had been a hard time for me, because I feel like I gonna cry that time.

This morning, after woke up, the feeling of suffocating continues, luckily is not as bad as yesterday's. Then, headache came after that...=.= Started to get fatigue...even I didn't do any sports, made me nearly roll down from the stairs. My friends said my face looked pale.

Come on, Ke Jun, be strong!!! You have not cry for that is a good start. Fight for that!!!

lyrics- Tonight I feel close to you

2010-10-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Close my eyes and feel your mind
Time has passed
I walk like a shadow
Never knew
What I am going through
You touch my heart and take my breath away

Whisper on the wind so softly
Let the bright stars fill our dreams with love
Reach for your hand (you're holding my key)
and you show me the way

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one
I wish we could stay forever as one

So much love in this beautiful world
Search for the brightest star in the sky
You will find the meaning of love
Don't be afraid (Don't be afraid), Just be youself (Just be yourself)
We need this love... I've never knew

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one

Tonight, I feel close to you
You open my door and light the sky above
When I need a friend, you are there right by my side
I wish we could stay as one
I wish we could stay forever as one

^^

2010-10-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

见到你，真开心...

就不知怎的，那时候写简讯，就自然而然地想发给你...
当你说可以时，我快乐坏了...

见到你时，心里有说不出的喜悦，
我似乎很久没这么高兴 (高兴和兴奋是两码事，在这里，我说的是高兴）

就是想念那背影,
看着你的背影,
嘴角微微上扬,
我真的打从心里笑了...

signal

2010-10-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

那坚强，无所谓的样子要继续装出来吗? 我知道我的情况如果比起其他例如癌症的，是芝麻小事(神经病，你想要这么严重?)，但这么多年来的精神煎熬，整个人都好像麻木了. 如果没错，我这一辈子是要吃那荷尔蒙剂来维持荷尔蒙的水平. 虽然是那么小颗药丸，可是这一吃，就吃了八年; 说长不长，说短亦不短...

Since last week, the metabolic rate started to spiking up again!!! Under this hot weather, the condition somehow looks like getting serious, my body hot until I feel like I am having fever almost all the time, the palm is very hot, so to whole body, imagine the cold water I take bath with, I don't feel the water is cool anymore. Although I know drink icy water to cool down is not a very healthy way, but the heat in my body forced me to do so. If not, it will just reveal my bad temper...=.= Somehow, the disease I got taught me to be in nice temper and be patient. Before this, I still will have heavy meal for lunch, but not in nowadays... I really scared the heat will drive me crazy...especially working in the lab. Maybe my condition stated here is almost the same as everyone out there, as the weather now is so damn HOT!!! But...

I know my own body well. The endocrine system starts to mess up with me. The slight pain at my neck and uncomfortable condition I faced recently, are they trying to give me some sorta danger signal? I am actually still hoping the condition won't get worse. I know caffeine will further boost up metabolic rate, I already started de-caffeination since this week, however, the metabolic rate still very high... The most important is the pain and the still high metabolic rate and followed by fatigue not long after that are the signals? And if not very accurate menstruation period is counted as a symptom, ya, it also as a possible indication. As far as I know, doctor always ask is my menstruation period accurate. Could I just ignore those symptoms? I don't wish to visit doctor on my own again...Although I don't mind alone, just feel I am not strong enough to always face those on and off condition. I thought it can be cured and recover as soon as possible. Why? I remembered that I was very happy when the condition was getting better 2 weeks after the consultation and medication. Now 3 months gone, on the 3rd month, it starts to "haunt" me again. These symptoms, I am still observing the severity, I don't even think of telling my good friends too although they "warned" me to tell them if I feel anything wrong. I think I just take it on my own. I went for the routine checkup last week, the blood test result showed my hormone level for thyroid is within normal range, but I remembered what the specialist said, then I recalled the result that I got, is still in lower range of normal level. Is quite near to lower part. So, what now?

Another danger signal: short of breath... NOW...@@ I really need to take a rest...

I MUST be strong!!! No matter how...think positively...

what is this?!

2010-10-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

There is one classmate, for one semester I don't talk to her, because of one character of her is very obvious and I felt annoyed of it. Suddenly, she added me in Facebook and commented on the status that is so damn common and that Facebook status, that time, my best friend commented on it, she was like just came in and said "jia u jia u". Well, for her as a Facebook user, I appreciated that, but not from people like that. I am not "complaining", but just, is hard to accept that. I am sure she actually knows that I felt annoyed of her. She is kinda benefit-minded person. Is too obvious...=.=

And one thing, which I feel very awkward of it. She even smiled at me when we meet. I replied the smile, and I HATE the smile that I gave. I think I better keep my cool face. Seriously, the situation is like forcing me to smile. Actually I don't wish to smile at all. For one semester I don't either talk or smile to her, I "don't know" what to respond for this.

Shall I give her a chance and to myself to "accept" her as a friend? I discussed this with another friend who is also coursemate. My friend said since is going to be last semester for Degree, so just bear with it, try to accept. I have been thinking of my friend's pieces of words. Is it because she knows that I am a person who value friendship, so she takes this to "tackle"? Come on, maybe she doesn't know that, I won't entertain any kind of people that easily. And I am not a fake person. I can be a person that can talk to easily and nicely but depends who is the person. Somehow, after certain incident, I couldn't put more trust to any people, if I am willing to put more trust, means the person is really trustworthy (this is more comprehensive if I put this sentence in this way). This kind of person actually made me lost trust to people. I won't want to get myself hurt again by this kind of people.

So? Accept or ignore the nice act and manners from her?

忘却

2010-10-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

能看见你笑，
能想象你笑的样子，
无论是什么样的笑容，
被我逗笑，
惊喜的笑，
打招呼的笑容，
都能让我把当时的烦恼都给抛到远远的，
没错，
你就是有这样的魅力!

所以，
我正在想象你的笑容...

一切的一切，
这是好感吗?

glad

2010-10-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

好开心哦...今天你说你在大学的生活里，我算是你的好朋友，信得过的朋友. 你知道我听了后多开心吗? 我开心因为我是一个称职的朋友. 今天，我其实已累坏了，可是听到你这么说，再累都无所谓了. 也不太清楚今天为何我今天特别火爆. 也许是因为我有急事要办，可是就是因为早上去复诊的医院的医生及护士超没效率的服务态度，拖慢了我该完成的事，及浪费我至少两个小时的时间，超可恶的!!!

Have no idea from when onwards we had such a chat. Just wanna let you to know that, I am very happy for this...^^ 或者可以这么说，我其实希望能从你口中听到这句话.

on and off

2010-10-06T06:04:00.000-07:00

Since last week, if not mistaken, noticed that the swollen on my neck (that supposed to be shrunken) is back to swelling and harden. Actually I was kinda worry that. Is the dosage prescribed by doctor is not suitable to me? I followed the instructions for medication. Why? What happened? Well, it doesn't cause pain, however, just feel uncomfortable, it shrinks for a certain period then back again. Became fatter (as a possible indication), not at all, after I went back hometown, then weighed myself on the weighing scale, the scale showed 44.5kg.
You all can't imagine how much I ate during the study week until exam ended. So, where is the food go to? The symptoms of hyperthyroid is quite obvious which is accumulation of fat on stomach but not at other parts (which is very common and is VERY HARD to avoid it), it only very obvious on stomach, which for a girl, will be very particular about. Just 5 days holiday, even I continue with my habit after meal, STILL...=.= Really damn annoying. The low waist jeans now no need belt, not that loose as before this. So, this means?! Getting serious or what? Should I consult the specialist again about the problem?

I was hoping the condition won't get worse. I am still hoping. AND I did take care of myself...

another one

2010-10-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

你知道吗，能见到你是很开心的，见到你，说真的，我真的很兴奋，而不是普通的开心. 我喜欢与你说话，见到你；原因...大概是因为我们志同道合吧. 也许我们有太多共同点. 不太知道你对我的印象是什么，我想告诉你的是我真的很开心能见到你. 能看到你笑，更是能让我把烦恼也忘了，好想念你的笑容，你被我逗笑的样子...

本人太多”故事“来写...嗯，可能可以从中找到情趣及乐趣. 认为了解我的人就会知道这些故事的真实性，不过先告诉大家，我是有语文基础的，所以要考虑及衡量那个因素...

random

2010-10-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

我在你心目中，有过地位吗? 你说啊...

我是那么地重视你，以你为中心，处处为你着想，怕你受伤，你有珍惜吗? 我的心是很痛，当我知道你其实当着不一回事，不以为意. 努力忍着不流泪，不伤心，努力试着不在意你所作的，甚至觉得我是一厢情愿. 其实我想要的不是这样，我只是想你知道我是喜欢你的，想要引你注意...当你就这么敷衍我时，我的心犹如刀割，你了解那种痛吗?
很努力地尝试不想你，可是却非常想见到你. 这就是矛盾. 对你说，你可以对我说你的烦恼，也许那个人对你来说比较重要，或许我根本什么都不是，你只是把我当作生活中可以利用的人. 我有时候是真的有点妒忌那个人.

本人看剧场看得有点过分，或者太闲没事做，这故事如有雷同，纯属巧合.

the purpose

2010-10-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

There are some people asked me about the reason of having that AMOUNT of blogs. So this is the reason: MSN spaces (spaces.live) is kinda publicize, many people can just step in to read. However, blogspot, you can't search without knowing the name of the blog unless I tell the people who is interested to. What I meant here is, is not easy to track a person's blog unless you know the person.

Blogs in spaces.live has migrated to wordpress.com because of certain reasons. There, because of the publicity, I normally won't put post my feelings and those silly or whatsoever thoughts there or anything I said that might hurt a person's feeling. The last reason is because normally I won't lost my temper (is childish anyway), or voice out my thoughts or my unsatisfactory out to the people I am angry to or whatever. I just bear with it. I don't know why I behaved so. I know I need to voice out if I have been unsatisfied to someone in a polite way. Too bad is I am a person who is kinda straightforward in a certain way. The worst thing in socializing is dealing with person that you don't like to and yet you need to control your mind for not lost control. I do know that in certain times I need to be indirect and euphemistic and I know when I shall do so... Normally what I do is ignore...and if I can't bear with that, I just throw out what I felt in blog, that's it. I am smart enough to use initials to represent the characters involved and readers could have understand what I have written, I presumed. Is this kinda silent way of releasing anger?!

In spaces.live, which is now wordpress.com, I usually make my report there, any happy things, things that are happened in an unusual way and so happened that everytime when I wrote there, it will like a flow chart and some sorta annual report...== I have such feeling, I might cause my readers bored. Ah, whatever...

Blog is meant for self-entertainment, no need to care how people think, and somehow, I have that amount of blogs... I do sort out the genre of the posts...

it's over for this

2010-10-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, wanna announce and confess something here. I have PUT DOWN and LET IT GO!!! I have let go the feeling of dependence towards S. Is kinda relief, you know? When I realized I was some sorta depend spiritually on S, where S doesn't know that, until now I presume S doesn't know that. Again, is just a small glimpse (ok, this is quite a direct translation of 一线之差) from the feeling which I scared the most. I scared to put in feelings to people, the feeling mentioned here is like in terms of towards any gender. You get what I meant? That kind of like. That kind of feeling is the one I scared the most...I scared I misunderstand, I scared I will disappointed, I scared I will get hurt. and the most important, I am not interested, I maybe have that kind of feeling (I said MAYBE) but I am not interested in dealing with relationship. (In the end, I don't think you all understand what I am talking here, I think is kinda ironic...and contradictory...><) I won't want any feeling anymore until the end of my studies for Degree. Maybe I am pathetic...(==''') until I put in feelings to people that appeared to be my savior that time? Or I am a person who is 多情? (==''')

In dealing with this unsure feeling, I have been escaping and avoiding, however the more I was trying to escape, I have been even suffering and at last, after talked to someone who I think I can trust, I tried my best to face S. And yet, I still remember that I put my effort and my thinking into my stuffs, I made myself occupied enough to not to think too much. And somehow, I made it! The feeling is just faded...ya, is just faded, without I even realized.

Sometimes I have been thinking that, am I kinda person who is simple thinking or complicated? What I meant is, am I looked unpredictable?

So, I don't know whether there will be more "interesting" stories to tell...just check it out... This blog is meant for sentimental stuffs which means there will be other stuffs regarding feelings or thoughts that I won't put in very public place.

random...

2010-09-10T02:20:00.000-07:00

I think this is the first time I studied until my tears gonna roll out. Before this, ya, I did studied until I feel like wanna cry, is I FEEL LIKE WANNA CRY, but end up I bear with it. Now? I really study until cry...what's wrong?! I thought I am relax enough because my plans are going on as what I expected. I actually realized that myself really very stress although I did according what I planned because I am holding my fist until pain...==||| Realized that I have my own weakness which is low memorizing power. I am trying my best to fight to resolve it to immerse into my notes... Ok, I promise myself, if I can't bear with the tears, I just hide myself to my blanket, I need to calm myself down, no point sitting there facing my notes and cry. Change place to cry maybe will let me think clearer and calm down faster. Maybe is a kind of avoiding, running away from problems, but I think this is the best method that I know...

Some of the time, when I was studying, I am actually realized that I sighed a lot. Well, is when I was studying during the teaching week. Is nice that I found some bookmarks (I am kinda frustrated, so I clear part of my table), saw one bookmark written there 叹气是最浪费时间的事. Ya, right. I SHALL NOT sigh too much. Sometimes need to sigh too (here metaphorically said that my lung capacity is not strong enough-->indeed-->I am not talking craps).

Well, I am glad that I can actually focus more. Feel peace...^^

peace and pain

2010-09-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well, this title sounds contradictory. Lets see what am I going to talk.

Peace...it is because I know I done something right, that something made me feel that I won't be regret for ending it. I felt everything seems so quiet and no struggle in my heart, no more any struggle for whether trying to mend, or leave it or end it. In certain circumstances that MAYBE C's act is "needed", however, is NOT among us as all the while being C's friends. Is just hurting.
Another peace, is that I have not really think about S. All this while, since I said I want to let it be, at the same time, I was trying everything that I like to replace that kind of dependence feeling. Now, the feeling is almost gone, because I think I won't be depend on others anymore in terms of my emptiness of soul. So, if ask me whether am I willing to let it go? My answer will be, I am willing to do so. I don't want "anything" happen because I am trying to indulge and unrestrained. (Haha, I am just joking for the indulge and unrestrained, I will only do this when I am under great stress, but at the same time I am denying about the shooting up of stress level) Yes, I don't want any changes in the dependence feeling, because this kind of feeling is just a slight difference, in chinese sayings we called it as 一线之差...

Pain, ya, is the on and off health condition. Ya, I know it shouldn't be that pain and or it shouldn't be pain anymore? I am, all the while struggle with it, bearing the pain, but it just a little unbearable sometimes until I am kinda frustrated (when the pain is some sorta coming back, not that serious compared to the time when it was undiagnosed). This happened for some time, my friends always told me that if I am in pain or any feeling unwell, must tell them. Ok, I hide it from everyone. I mean, how am I going to start this kind of topic with my friends that always concern about me? Just start it by saying: I am in pain? Oh, come on, to meet people with this pain condition (I think my face will be quite "cool" and a little pale) also I am not wishing to, how am I going to tell them such issue? I can't even help myself when I am in pain. If I tell others, I might just cause people in trouble by make them worry about me. So, I better keep to myself. So pain, please DON'T persist. If You are trying to test my patience or giving me this kind of challenge, well, I am willing to receive this challenge. So, if You are giving me this challenge, so just consider that I am some sorta complaining a little here...Don't worry, I will fight to resolve the challenge!

mess

2010-09-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have been write and erase what I have written, write and erase, again and again...Just because I have no idea on how to start to write this post.

Now, I think I am in a mess. With the reason that I also don't know (or I just don't want to admit, but it just happened to be, it is telling me that: is time to release yourself, for whatever it is? No more suppressing my own feeling?), I feel like crying.

Lets analyze: 1. Pressure from studies? (who doesn't have?!); this sounds not really the reason...or maybe yes, because I think I feel the pressure, or I already immunized or numb to the pressure? 2. The on and off health condition after undergoing the treatment. 3. The so called fading feeling that I always say to myself? Well, of course, is fading or not, only I know it very well. Seriously, I really don't want to admit anything here...just, I scared...ok, temporarily just forget about this issue, like what I am doing now.

Ok, just a little mood swing, I think...I hope is just mood swing...

whatever

2010-09-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

我的华语，曾经还算是顶呱呱的；自从用英文来写部落格之后，我很少用华语来表达自己了，变得好像钝了，词穷了...遗憾...

最近的我
好像把自己弄得很可悲似的
或许我真的很可悲

明明就是不妥
明明我是该给该有的反应
我就是什么都没做
少了那个所谓该有的反应
气氛就是这么怪

看不到，数不清的惆怅
心情有点忧郁得好像有点一发不可收拾
不能继续这样了
不管怎样
要抹掉不愉快的过去

惨，怎么我觉得我写的，连我自己都觉得很差劲? 唉，算了，我想，暂时，我想表达的，就是这有点破破碎碎的心情...

is OK but not ok

2010-08-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Well, this whole week until Friday, I am in physically exhausted state. And started from Tuesday, started to have even serious mentally exhausted state. Well, is it in physically and mentally exhausted state, I am not so sure, I just feel that I am not really myself after all. Trying my best to keep myself awake, trying to keep myself cheerful, trying my best to keep myself look good, at least not as bad mood as shown on my face yesterday. My face told me that my face looked bad, a very moody, angry, cool look.

Well, I also have no idea how to describe my feeling. I just found out that, I keep almost everything to myself. Why don't I try to talk to someone? Well, they have their own problems and some are relaxing as they finished their tests for the week. I still got tests on, and I feel that I can't be reckless that much.

After I came back yesterday, I sat in front of my laptop, staring gaze. The feeling of wanna cry arising, but somehow I did something else (I don't remember what I did to distract the feeling), I didn't cry). It is not the most serious state that can cause me cry (the meaning is something like that in chinese). I watched my favourite drama series, felt nice and relaxed. I listened to songs. Try to forget everything by immersing myself in the world of music. Ya, is effective. I felt that I am in the world of music, I am playing the music, I am enjoying the music. Suddenly I realized that this is one of the advantages from learning music...^^

Well, the timing bom is somehow inactivated. I break the code...^^ Then I tried to blog as I told myself that I will give yself some time to blog during this week. I fall asleep while I blogged half way...==||| Is time to take a good rest, tomorrow will be ok. I saved my draft and I went to sleep willingly. Well, this word "willingly" meant here I finally let myself rest, although I can't finish my tasks yesterday.

Today, is the schedule to clean my room. I took this opportunity to distress. Ya, is nice! At the same time, my friend coincidentally invite me to chat via MSN. Then we chatted, with our style. Somehow, even though the conversation and some of what we talked is in the style of very 废, I enjoyed it. This is the way of communication between my friend and me. I felt relaxed and glad that the timing is right. Thanks, my friend!

All in all, I am ok now. I think I hide the so called the stuffs that I kept to myself to else where, and I can't find it back. So just let it be, consider it never exist, ok? No need to find it back, is not worth to take the time to find it back...make sense, right? Haha...

^.^

I ignore, ignore and ignore

2010-08-16T04:06:00.000-07:00

Well, told you that I'm done with C. Then the next challenge is go through my so called weakness which is value and care for my friend very much. Since I told myself that I won't care about that anymore, I will realize my mind this time!!! And yet since last week onwards, I made it, today even better!!! Wish this kind of determination will last...haha ==|||

At first, it is hard, of course...So far, I appreciated the accompaniment of my MP3 player. C somehow I don't know whether is purposely or else, C talked quite loud. Well, I am with my world, immersing myself in music, so, don't wish to care much. DON'T WISH TO CARE THAT MUCH ANYMORE FROM THAT TIME ONWARDS!!! Or I shall say, I DON'T WANT to care anymore about C. Who is the right side or wrong side (even though is me), is doesn't matter anymore.

Correct me if I am wrong. That kind of people, I know C is smart, somehow, the smartness is used at the wrong place, by controlling people's mind and thinking, by using distracting people's mind as strategy before exam. Come on, please use your own wisdom, this kind of dirty tactics, I already "see through" (what a direct translation ==|||) Ya, C may show the kindness, however, if everything ask for return, then you better don't do good to us. I rather don't want this type of kindness. Found that C was like trying to gain attention or trying to 指桑骂槐 or whatever. Is not that I am "perasan", is that I know C's pattern. Again I said, correct me if I am wrong.

So, I want to apologize that I told some people that C changed. In fact, C doesn't change much, just change some of the strategies. Well, in terms of communication skills, ya, improved. However, if the basic doesn't change, even C change the latter also no use.

I IGNORE!!! Peace...^^

unconsciously or wronged myself?

2010-08-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

After the crisis, somehow realized that I did wronged myself for a little bit sometimes. Noticed that myself acted stupid (I admit that I am noob sometimes), acted immature (actually I have a lot of thoughts). Some so called matured people said and thought I am not matured enough to go out to face the reality of the society nowadays, ok, is not a nice sentence, but never mind, I know myself better. Sometimes, know and "see" too much will create speechless and avoiding and then escaping situations. Sometimes, human being need to keep low profile enough. No need show how matured are you or how smart are you every time, and you might gain a good feedback or more respect for return.

Ok, acted stupid and blur seems became one of my "strategy". Well, is not really my strategy, is my physical condition caused me so. Thanks to my condition, allowing me to ask stupid questions that somehow got fruitful answer...^^ give stupid responses (most of the time is I have no idea what kind of response I should give, give you the response that you wished to? Or the response that you don't expect), I don't mind give stupid responses because I am not that smart, no need show off. I also don't mind to give the response that you wish to, since you are happy with it. Sometimes, I also think that, do I wronged myself to act like that? Well, sometimes, MAYBE I do like that to suit your arrogance, your ignorance, not that I am stupid to do so, is that if I become arrogant and like to show off like you, then there will be endless fight. Then I rather keep silence to observe. Or I just don't like to show off (even though I may have some talents), I no need to be in high profile, so as an ordinary student, I did act ordinarily in CONSCIOUSLY... make sense, right?

By the way, to face some kind of people, to suit their ignorance and arrogance, I better act stupid, to avoid being throw anything bad in a sudden, people just jealous you are very smart sometimes. Ya, I admit that, to act stupid MOST of the time is tired, but, is fine for me, tolerate...higher tolerance has become one of my characteristics started from the beginning of this semester.

Is tired, maybe I need to start to "ignore" and be a bit selfish, for my own sake.

I'm done!

2010-08-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, crisis again...with C. Well, told you all that I can't feel the friendship bond between both of us. Sounds like we are taking advantage of each other rather than in a real friendship.

This time, I shall say, I am disappointed. Although C changed a bit, C doesn't really make the superficial change that can please people more, after all, looked at different aspect and angle, not to say I am prejudice or what, I can be considered the victim here... C's situation really fits the chinese saying: 换汤不换药. Well, since C realized that many people feel annoyed, C decided to change, apologized to those people, to become so called kind (not really after all, as C seems that ask something as return) and etc. At first I didn't really want to believe C. But then, I was thinking that have more friend than an enemy, so I some sorta forgive C, not fully. I was hoping C to be a better person, at least not making people feel annoyed by trying my best to tell C the reason behind all the scenarios, and until now, I also have no idea why am I so tolerant. So far, I am wrong, to C's changes (Not to say that I have great influence, is that I am trying to play my role as a friend; so, seems that, I have failed...?! My other friends said that C just very hard to change, so, at least I have done my role.)

Not I am the one who saying so, sometimes C shows pitiful face, or what so ever, that make people thinks that something very sad and making C looked so innocent is going on, even though C is the wrong side. C made such look that making us feel guilty, controlling our mind that we were so wrong to "bully" C like that, so wrong that we "torture" C's mind like that.

And maybe C took advantage of my characteristics: value my friends a lot. C some sorta make people "miserable" because C made people thinks that C (as my friend) is hurt and I am the one who value friends should forgive her or something like that. Is this a kind of friendship? Why I feel that I was being taken advantage in terms of mentally? Not to say I am angry, I just feel very disappointed. Not to say I ask something for return as I value friends, is that, I wish that you as a friend, you play your role as well. Just don't force me to scold C a "bitch" (unless this kind of person is pushing me to a certain limit, only I might scold this kind of words) as this kind of attitude for treating a friend, by controlling, by taking advantage, these kind of acts are hurting a friend seriously. What do you expect for my response to C's acts? Cry? Speechless? Feel being fooled? Sigh, I have no idea on how to describe the feelings now, but what I decided is: I'm DONE!!! I will ignore as much as I can to C's controlling, ignore C's distracting mind strategy. So, am I stupid to being controlled and until now only realized that?!

I think I have learned to ignore many things. Some things, the more I care, the more I feel hurt...

Conclusion: I'm done!!! (if can, I don't want to have friends like that)...

independence

2010-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

My former Mp3 player R.I.P around one week ago, which caused me very nervous about it. I was very angry at the person who added the GREAT EXTRA injury to the Mp3 player, that actually slowly kill it. It was injured before it was with me. But I love it very much, even I accidentally knocked the earphone also I felt pain. When it was crashed hardly on the floor, by that idiot, I felt very 心痛, then only felt very angry to that idiot. I know it strove and struggled to serve itself until it really "dead" one week ago. I felt so sorry for it.

This Mp3 player was my companion, I rely on it, by listening to songs (my hobby as well, I LOVE music) when there is break time in campus, to avoid me getting stress that easily and also the lectures. Some lecturers are speaking and talking damn fast, hard to catch, and also because of I am easily fatigue, so I need it to do the recording in case I really dozed off. And to avoid me to think too much. When it dead, there is no where to get another Mp3 player that can replace it at that moment, until I heard about the PC fair at Penang. So I asked to go Penang, my friends welcomed me. I felt so touched. Lastly, I got a NEW MP3 player!!! Yeah!!! And oh dear, please wait ya, I sure will take you go and repair...T.T (the time is surely damn slow for you to pass)

In this week, at the same time, I was sick too, due to most probably the recurring inflammation. Was a bit suffering almost for the 5 days of campus-ing. I think I had screwed up one of my report, as I did it under great headache. Luckily condition was getting better in Wednesday afternoon. Started to get some light meal, such as meehoon soup. I need to bear the hunger, but no choice, I don't want the fever to recur before I sit for the Friday's test. So far, I can revise under the condition I expected, although not the optimal condition I was that time (you think you are enzyme? Optimal?!) So far, I didn't screw up the Protein and Proteomics test, just that I knew I can actually do better.

Seems that I gone too far...ok, come back.

Speaking of the "deceased" mp3 player, I need to be independent in terms of regulating the rising level of stress and also to avoid myself think nonsense and also train myself can revise lecture notes in a stress-less condition. I know I shall not rely on it all the time, but that week, just that a lot of challenges to a sick person. Ok, so far, I can cope it, is not that hard, though. I am happy for myself. Initially, on Monday, it was HARD for me, because felt like lost something, felt like something is not with me that day. I was a bit lost that day...T.T... Tuesday onwards, I let myself immersed in lecture notes, not to think the "deceased" mp3 player, since I can't do anything now, until I get back to hometown to find the rescue. But then I still feel sad... Is happy that, I was not desperate to find S for the dependence. I KNOW I SHALL depend on my own. I can now at least can focus more on revising lecture notes while in break time. ^^

I shall depend more on my own, in terms of spiritually.

cautious

2010-08-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well, now, change feeling, change to another story.

Ever since had some sorta "silent fight", so called 冷战 by direct translation, I became even more cautious to the friend, let the friend be C here. Just don't know why, I think most probably is because C betrayed me before, even though C apologized, we became friends again, C always consider me as listener, then I listen. But then, the bond is not there. (Do I wish to have the bond-the bond of REAL friendship with C?!) I wrote some issues about C in another blog. However here, is mainly about my feelings, so, just talk about how I think and feel in this so called friendship. I don't like people 暗讽, especially C's tone, really felt annoyed. C somehow, sometimes really 换汤不换药, C's some attitude changed, but not all, especially those very annoying ones, still made people feel annoying and even feel that C was using certain kind of strategy to distract people's mind. I felt that too, so won't stand near C when there is test. I know C will try to distract my mind about the knowledge, about what I have studied.

Even now, still wanna try to distract people's mind by talking in the annoying way, asking am I prepared? As I may looked confident that day, or I looked cheerful that day. Like that also want to comment about it, I am speechless. And purposely talked that loud, until many people can hear, I hate that!!! (Ok, I know the voice is loud, I will try my best to ignore that.)

Now? Just act as normal, act as stupid as usual (sometimes I am indeed stupid ><) Trying my best to ignore those unnecessary and unhealthy talking.

Meditation...

neverending

2010-07-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I asked my friend to read the blog. My friend who knows this kind of condition (I mean my friend experienced before), said that this kind of feeling would be 没完没了, so called never-ending. Huh?! Why? Is it because how I describe the situation? How I describe the situation and "environment" when I am mixing with S? Hmm, I see. But another thing is my friend said that from the blog, can be seen that I am been trying my best to overcome that kind of dependence feeling. Ya, I am struggling hard to overcome it. (Or should I say I am actually just let it be, no need struggle --> talking craps again)

Ya, I know that that kind of dependence feeling is just 一线之差 (is it called the small difference?) with the so called "like" feeling. I have been feel very annoyed and be in dilemma because of this. However, I try to make myself clear. The process was just kinda hard...T.T...

I have been got stuck within the response of avoiding and facing S. Facing S? Or avoiding S? Both of these might create the greater feeling of dependence and of course the never-ending condition. Well, now choose the former ones. But sometimes latter ones will "come" and interfere my thoughts. The latter ones I will deal it with the busyness, trying my VERY BEST to keep myself OCCUPIED. My life already occupied by studies and FYP stuffs and yet I am trying to make myself even occupied. Ya, you have seen the right words. I am trying to make myself EVEN MORE OCCUPIED (hope this won't create greater stress that cause me "suffocated").

Ok, continue my mission to make myself even more OCCUPIED...!!!

case solved?!

2010-07-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

I have asked L to help me to tell S about my improved health condition (L willing to do so). Well, actually I was nervous about S's response after knowing this. Since don't know when, I refused to tell S about my getting worse condition. Last week, the regulatory and observation period passed and I shall see the effects of the prescribed medication. Somehow, it is doing well...^_^ So, I decided to tell S, at least I felt that S needs to know about this, since before this, it was like hanging there, S don't know the latter conditions. The most important thing is I just don't want to have anymore dependence feeling when I was in pain and getting worse period if I tell S.

On Tuesday, we had dinner in my room. Don't know why that day, I had my dinner in an extremely slow mode. And I clicked here, clicked there on my laptop, listening to songs, just to make up the mood to talk to her. When S asked to have dinner together the day before that, I felt something was "wrong", because S's habit is asking to join dinner on that day itself. I knew S sure will want to talk about that. Ya, I was right, S finished the dinner first then asked me for a talk. Suddenly my room became very quiet. Then S started the conversation, I continued the rest to tell S what happened. I am glad that S felt happy for me and understood my conditions. Somehow, I did feel relieved after telling S. (Another case solved)

Pain is almost gone totally. The swollen still there, so far I know that the swollen may not disappear, it might shrink only. But, just hope for the best... From this incident, we some sorta become better friends, the feeling is fading, because that day I chose to face S to talk about this.

To mention something here, the FYP (Final Year Project), make my life busy in this semester. It somehow make me organize my things better, make me organize my TIME better, make me occupied. I have less time to think too much, and the busyness of life after I started my FYP had slowly switch my dependence feeling away to non-living things. I wish to just throw all those unnecessary feelings to MS to be fragmented and just disappear, and won't want to have the McLafferty rearrangement, if not it will come back after rearranged...(talking craps again...=_=)

My life is better and happier compared to before this. Keep it up!!!

desperation

2010-07-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

再一次，我有想要逃避的念头，不论是对我现在的疲惫的生活或我现在面对的状况。上次说了要勇敢面对S, 但是不知何时，那念头又冒起了。我对单独这词更加地投入，更加地显现它。(什么烂华语? =.=)

好, 那事我暂时不描述，因为我知道我的念头只是一时的冲动。

Well, there is a bigger crisis happened on me recently. I don't know whether is because of the prescribed medication caused me got into this kind of health condition or I already in physically and mentally exhausted, (especially mentally). Fatigue is getting even serious, even I slept and rest a lot, the time I used to sleep and rest is far more than that I used for study purpose. Whenever I wanna concentrate to study, not long after that, I start to feel damn sleepy. What the hack?!

And also in a sudden, some sort of got into "silent fight" with a friend that is recently close with me. She actually doesn't know what is wrong in herself and so called indirectly hurt the friends around her. Ok, frankly to say that, I know I am not perfect, but I can be a good friend, All the while, I know she changed a lot from her bad attitudes and habits, however, there are some haven't and all this while, I have been bearing all those stuffs that hurting... Well, I got hurt, and choose to just kept silence but don't want to bother or talk to her since yesterday. Then she was like realized my actions and responses, and felt weird. She talked to her friends that also close to me in class. But I can guess she couldn't get an answer. She asked me about that yesterday but I refused to talk about that on that time, as it really will spoil my mood for preparing for test.

Ok, I am actually mentally tired...I am not ready for the "debating", can I just leave this case?

miracles

2010-07-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

Miracles did happened! Well, this is an update from the blog post entitled "脆弱的时候". As I did something to really leave up my ass to solve the problem that seriously cannot be delayed anymore, I got the feedback. Situation is getting better, especially my health condition. Some of my friends really did noticed that and felt glad for me too. THANKS, my friends!!! Really thanks a lot to those who always concern about and morally support me, is kinda warmth to me. Is touched...T.T

Now, tears won't be easily fill my time and life. Time, for me, almost not enough to be used, I NEED MOREEE TIME!!! Therefore, where is the extra time for me to think too much and to bear tears? No time, right? I am glad for myself for this. ^^

Indeed, I can feel the happiness in my life, especially recently. Before this almost 10 years back, I don't know and don't understand how to feel the happiness and joyfulness. Until I told all those good news to a friend who appear to be my listener that time, she convinced me that, I can actually celebrate for those good news already, and she is very glad and pleased that she can share a piece of happiness just by listening to me. Wow, is this really a kind of real happiness?

I shall be grateful for this...^.^ Thanks to everyone and the life that give me the real happiness. I will live more happily!!!

the courage

2010-07-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

A "big slap" to myself.

Somehow, a few days ago, don't know where is the courage came from, I felt like telling the feeling of spiritual/emotionally dependence on S to one of S's close friend (let S's close friend is indicated as L at here, L also a friend that is I quite trust on). Am I totally insane? Okay, I already told L about this. And some sorta relieved. Well, the purpose I told this to L is because I felt that, the more I avoid from S, the more I think about S. And I also hope L can some sorta help me (in terms of listening or whatever), so that L also won't feel weird why did I refuse to tell S about my condition, why did I choose to avoid from S and also to reduce the awkwardness in myself.

One classic sentence from L was: You (whom is me) are stupid to avoid from S, and again, the more you avoid from S, the more you will keep on dependent on her. Why don't just let it be? Okay, L told me about L's own story that quite similar to mine and suggested me to think that is just a very close friendship (I didn't say is any love thingy towards S, is just that I scared I have the wrong feeling on S). Is that I am too "protective" and care more about S as I take S as an important person in my life nowadays. Sounds better, right? Somehow, I did felt relieved.

So what now? I shall not avoid from S anymore, but I will try to rely on myself more, find another non-living organism to depend on. As I am now considered very busy, time already fully occupied to be in campus, engrossment occupied my time, at least engrossment restrain me from thinking much about S...will remember that: JUST LET IT BE.

The most important thing is I must have the courage and determination to just let it be.

脆弱的时候

2010-06-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

Seriously, since last week, everything is not going right, especially my health condition. I hope is not my 心理作用. Then I was thinking, those conditions I faced are affecting and causing consequences to me, is it still considered 心理作用?

I know I shall be STRONG. But also the time my soul becomes weak. I realized that I am even more rely on someone. And yet the person doesn't know my conditions. Well, I know there will be some doubts from the readers on the reason I do so. The someone is the one I was mentioning in the previous posts. I don't want to tell S is because I don't want to increase my reliability to S, especially now my soul is weak. Instead, I wish to be stronger than before, I wish to be independent in facing myself. I NEED to do it!!!

When I am alone, I am more keen to wanna cry. I feel easier to have tears, but of course haven't cry out. I isolate myself even often to avoid chaos and to avoid causing trouble to anyone. If I am with other people, I will just bear my conditions (if I am under the attack of the conditions). Am I considered stupid or stubborn?

Now, I tend to sleep more, to grab more time to sleep and rest while I still have the time, while I am still not fully occupied yet with stuffs. The worst thing is that the studies is affected by the health condition. I can't fully concentrate or sometimes cannot concentrate at all.

I really hope miracles somehow happens...

my biggest weakness

2010-06-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

After get into university or I shall say all this while, I only realized my biggest weakness is dumb in dealing with feelings thingy, or relationship thingy. That's why I hate to be in relationship or has any weird feeling towards anybody, no matter is guy or girl. Then slowly, it transformed and made me not interested to be in relationship.

Twice in almost one and a half year. Dealing with those unsure feelings is making me insecure and making me in dilemma. I felt helpless when deal with those problems. I can only choose to talk to my good friend, and one or two who is I trust more in my study life. Thanks to them who help me by listening to me. Of course, those are only opinions, I need to solve on my own. Is all about my determination to get rid of them again.

Thought that I am independent enough, thought that my soul is strong enough, I thought I can depend on my own all the time. Recently, I don't know what's wrong with me, I felt like just rely on someone, I felt like crying as much as I can (oh gosh, I feel like crying now...T.T) Wanna just stay in my room, wanna just be alone, wanna to be just be quiet in my room, to think, to hug on my own, don't want to do anything; just to be ALONE and ON MY OWN. Facing my own body condition, my feelings, my emotionally disturbance, suddenly I feel helpless. Suddenly I become a coward, I am not as strong and brave-hearted to face those things like previously. Hope this is just a stage in short time, hope I can recover from that. Feeling helpless and in dilemma for so long time is so not like me, because of this, I was getting frustrated, irritated and mood swing (of course by other reasons too). Trying to be as normal in front of my friends. I am desperate sometimes, I want to cry but bearing all the time, even I am alone.

I feel like crying now...T.T

neverending arises

2010-06-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

As I said in the semester break, I felt spiritual emptiness. And I said I can meet S again in my new semester. During the last 3 days of semester break, maybe I was enjoying for the trip in Penang, so I didn't feel that strong feeling of spiritual emptiness towards S. However, on Sunday, which is the end of my trip, got some sort of weird feeling arises. Before that, I actually thought that I lost that kind of dependence as I didn't feel like missing S.

These few days, met quite often with S. The feeling was arising again...I hate this feeling very much. Not to say purposely go and meet S (I am trying not to meet S without purpose), is actually bumped into it (with certain reason and purpose related), at least I need to make sure myself remain normal (for not to have spiritual dependence too much towards S) and rational for now.

Seriously, I still not sure that whether that feeling still present or not. I don't really dare to think and figure about it.

I had mood swing, impatience, great frustration yesterday. Then I wrote on the Facebook. I was actually touched when S concerned about that. (Craps, I must get rid of feel such feelings and write all those things on Facebook...maybe would make some people worry about me, sorry...I was trying to find a way to express my feelings that time, who knows I cause people worry about me). I don't know whether my condition improved or not, although S accompanied me to chat. Thanks to S for bearing my frustrated look (trying my best not to vent out that time), and not ignoring me, and willingly to help to relieve my frustration and bad mood although I didn't ask to.

Oh craps, am I in some kind of trouble now?!

random

2010-05-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

The tears,
the pressure,
the life that seems directionless,
the stressful life,
the body that is corrupting,
the feelings that have already numb,
senseless,
clueless at sometimes,
I need a break...

mistake

2010-05-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when you get used to something, you just can't escape easily from it, and you may find that it is complicated, in terms of how you will deal with the problem, your feeling getting deeper when you already get used to that particular feeling and dependence. The problem actually is still there, it does not worsen, the thing is you lost control on yourself on how to deal with it.

Called S. These few days felt like got something not right. But sure has something gone wrong...(废话). Ok, I know I miss S, I just don't want to miss S so much. After called S, heard S's laugh, then I was feeling like I fixed that something back. I actually feel happy after chatted with S.

Crap! Great! Now, I hate myself for failed to depend on my own. Why must I spiritual dependent on S, some more S doesn't know that? (Well, S doesn't need to know this.) Come on, I think I need time. Just less than 2 weeks, I can meet S again. (Someone please give me a punch so that I can awake?)

I need time...I need to get rid of that.

the don'ts

2010-05-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, talked about the dependence of feeling towards somebody. I watched something from a drama series, I got to understand something. (Or should I say, there is something that I shouldn't do?)

"Everybody is lying, everybody will lie, should not trust anyone too much". Don't give out too much towards somebody, otherwise you may lost something. Ok, here is a question: since when I became weak until I need spiritual dependence, can't just I depend on my own and console myself? At least I don't need to feel spiritual emptiness. By the way, is anybody can define spiritual emptiness in better words?

I can just always pretend I am strong, tough, rock-hearted, but at the same time, I also wish I am weak too, I wish I can cry when I want to cry. When I want to cry, the Jekyll side of me told me that is stupid and useless to cry. Then always I am being defeated by the Jekyll's side of me, I bear the tears and carry on my stuffs, almost self-mutilate if I intend to cry. (Am I crazy for restrict myself to cry?! Or the part I said I almost self-mutilate?) So, when I restricted myself to cry, not long later i start to become frustrated and would lose temper in anytime. This kind of moment, music plays the role in comforting my soul and to search for peace by listening to songs I like (no matter how noisy is the song as felt by others). Oh, I think I need to find my real soul back. Why use the "real" word? Hmm, well, maybe the soul is there, but I can't feel it, so I need to find and feel it as it is there. Maybe because the "real" soul is "not with" me, so I feel spiritual emptiness now, which is very odd. Am I "psycho"? People always say that I am a weird person, even my parents said so too...

So what now... I shall not be weak, shall not over spiritual dependent to someone, especially to S (although S doesn't know this). The consequences is I will serious spiritual emptiness if the person is not with me now. Oh crap! Am I missing S now? I think I shall find books as my companion of spiritual dependence...

just feelings

2010-05-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

Oh no, last blog was on February, I have abandoned it for long...>.< I seriously have no time to update my feelings and emotional status although I have a lot to express. I just expressed to my friends or just swallowed them on my own (mostly). No point adding people's worry towards me or expose my weakness to other people else. This is how I think. Well, for the past 2-3 weeks, is all about study, study and still study.

What I want to say here is about my feelings and my dependence towards someone. My friends always said I looked independent and strong; seriously, I very seldom cry, because cry makes people feels tired and crying still can't solve the problem after all. However, most of the times, I choose to not to cry, I use another way to express myself. Don't know in which day or which moment, suddenly I found that I actually spiritually dependent on someone, until I nearly misunderstood my own feeling and caused myself problem and be in dilemma. Had a conversation with another friend that is more familiar with relationship problems or maybe I shall say: I talked to another friend who is more experienced, and frankly to say that I am very dull and inflexible in dealing with this kind of problem. Is normal that someone is spiritually dependent on somebody else, you will feel like talking to the particular person about your feelings, wish the person to be beside you to lend you the shoulder, wish the person can just accompany you when you are crying or just need somebody to just sit beside you so that you would like feel safer. Well, I do meet a friend like that, let the person be S. However, I don't think S don't know that I actually spiritually dependent on S. I would feel like telling my feelings, can express the feelings to S while usually that I usually swallowed it. Just don't know why, I feel like I can talk to S without 顾忌, feel like always miss S, meet S, just meet S may make me feel relieved and not so stress and tensed up. Don't know why, S can somehow give this feeling to me. One day, when I was studying, until I felt very sleepy then almost fall asleep (face too long on notes, eyes and brain felt @@), then suddenly S's sms was arrived my hp, at first, I was like cursing who is the devil disrupted my falling asleep mode, but when I saw S's name appeared on the screen on my hp, suddenly I felt energetic and felt not sleepy anymore. When I knew that I can meet S quite soon, I found that actually I was waiting forward to it. (Felt so long time didn't meet S, felt like a bit 空虚, I have no place to express myself as I choose to believe S more than others here, no way for me other than just meet S can shift away my stress.)

When S felt sad, I felt sad for S too; when S happy, I felt happy too. Heard a lot of rumors about S, however, I know that this kind of thing-trustworthy need time to prove it. I do really hope I am not wrong, I do hope that I didn't believe in wrong people again. But what I can say is, if I am wrong in this, I think I would be very sad... sure I will cry over it. My old friends are not with me here, and phone calls can't settle everything, so in unconsciously, I spiritually dependent on S. A lot of people said that I am cool, I do have weak sides, and I cry too...just that I don't allow myself to be too emotional most of the time.

I do admit that I can't express myself well, unless the person get used to my style and knows what happened. S knows as I told before, S understands and chooses not to angry at me, I really appreciate it...appreciate S's tolerance towards me.

And what...? I actually likes S's smile. I admit that I don't know how to smile nicely or I hardly smile. S's smile gives me sense of safe and anti-depressant effect, so whenever S smiles, I will feel nice and less stress. So to show my appreciation, I always help S whenever I can, no matter big or small matter, because in terms of physically and daily life problems, I can face it, but emotionally and mentally, I hardly settle them well, sometimes I would think that how useless am I...

Thanks to S.

exhausted

2010-02-27T05:11:00.000-08:00

Exhausted in terms of physically and mostly mentally. Having some sort of crash (won't tell the reason behind the crash) between some coursemates and some friends. I mysef also facing problems recently, nobody can actually help me except myself, therefore I have no mood to talk to others, including to my coursemates. Feel exhausted physically because of this problem. Actually like in this condition, the effect somehow is better, I have no mood, my face put that very serious and cool face, nobody dare to bother and talk to me, I can concentrate in my own work. Haha...~~

Having some sort of disappointment to some people. I don't know that kind of effort would those people appreciate or not, but in those days "observed", it brings disappointment. Shall I continue to show my concern?

Finally my problem since last year gone. It just disappear like that, without I realized. In certain circumstances, because of the habit since the problem happened, I do care about that person more than the others. Well, the feeling that I let go is not coming back, is DISAPPEAR as stated just now...

I do feel exhausted...
我知道我应该重新敞开心胸去相信别人，我正在尝试中。自从那几件事情发生后，我对大部分人已失去信心，信任。不断地对别人猜疑是真的很累...I am exhausted.

lyrics-Be Your Wings by Girl Next Door

2010-02-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

Be Your Wings

Kanji version
これが限界かと
無力を思い知り
前後不覚の感覚へ落ちていく
何もかも一人で
やろうとするなよと
遠のく意識に差しのべられた手が

僕はここにいる
君を見つめてると
閉ざされた世界を開いていく

Here i am let me be your wings
同じ今を生きるだれかが
いつもすぐ隣にいるんだ

Here i am let me be your wings
人は人を信じる事で
何度でも舞い上がれる

でもそういつまでも
甘えちゃいられない
その思い受け止め答えるためにも
救われた理由が
この手の中にある
これも絆と言うのなら離せない

僕のためじゃなく
僕らのためにある
不可能を可能に変える力

Here i am let me be your wings
だから僕も叫び続ける
自分を見失わないように

Here i am let me be your wings
心と心が響きあい
本当の勇気が生まれる

Here i am let me be your wings
同じ今を生きるだれかが
いつもすぐ隣にいるんだ

Here i am let me be your wings
人は人を信じる事で
何度でも舞い上がれる

English version
This is the limit
powerless feelings came to me
falling into the stage of no feelings
don't do anything by yourself
a helping hand in fading consciousness

I'm here
looking at you
Opening the closing world

Here I am let me be your wings
there is always someone next to you
who's living the same time

Here I am let me be your wings
Believing a person
makes you fly over and over

But you can't be
depending forever
take that thought to answer
the reason of being saved
is in your hand
If it's a bonding you can't let go

It's not only for me
it's for us
the power of making impossible to possible.

Here I am let me be your wings
So I keep screaming
Not to be lost

Here I am let me be your wings
Heart echoes one another
Real courage will show

Here I am let me be your wings
there is always someone next to you
who's living the same time

Here I am let me be your wings
Believing a person
makes you fly over and over

Chinese version
这就到极限了吗？了解自身的无力
感觉渐渐麻木不仁
不要指望只靠一人便能成功
向着遥远的意识伸出双手
让你知晓我就在这里注视着你
逐渐开启那封闭的世界

我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀
同样活于当下的某人
总在离我最近的身旁
我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀
只要人们能够相互信任
就能一次次奋力起舞

但是不能总是如此任性
若要接受这份感情并给与回应的话
请将救赎的理由紧握于手中

若这就是牵绊那我不会轻易放手

不是为我一人而是为了我们
这股力量能化不可能为可能

我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀

所以我会继续摇声呐喊

只为不再迷失自我

我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀

心与心相互辉映

就能产生真正的勇气

我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀

同样活于当下的某人

总在离我最近的身旁

我在这里，让我成为你的翅膀

只要人们能够相互信任

终能再次奋力起舞

this 4-5 weeks of Year 2 Semester 2

2010-02-15T06:24:00.000-08:00

This week is the fifth week of Year 2 Semester 2. This week is about Chinese New Year. Everybody don't really wish to touch studies' stuffs. Tomorrow, I will "dig" the lab manual as the only studies stuffs I brought back to further my searching on info for report. I will be back on this Wednesday, which is the day after tomorrow. Friends that know that I back so early "thought" that I am crazy, what for back so early. I said, I need to do report, need to study and do revision, rush assignments, etc. Wednesday evening only will arrive Kampar. Then I need to do the washings, and clean my room bit by bit on Thursday onwards. Planned nicely for my days after I back Kampar on Wednesday. My brother also will back to the Kolej Matrikulasi Johor at Tangkak on Wednesday evening.

Well, on week 1, lecturers assigned the assignments to us. Then teaching session also starts. For the first few chapters still easy job for me. But the latter chapters, start to be harder, but still not a problem to me, still can catch up easily if do revision on time. Week 2 onwards, start to become busy with reports and assignments. When coming to Week 3, even more busy with reports and assignments (just a little more busy compared to week 2's). Week 4, a test is held on Monday for Metabolism II. For me, was quite smooth, the questions were some sorta easy, not that a really big problem for me. Just hope that I did well for the test and got the marks that I targeted. This week also, many people is busy doing packing. Everybody's holiday mood is on. So far, for this few weeks, studies is my biggest concern. The subject I scared the most is Molecular Biology. I shall work harder on it. And so far, my lecturers are good, quite like them and their teaching. Hope that studies won't create a great problem to me, please...

Got a chance to talk to a friend who we always talk to each other on our problems. Learnt not to be so "kiasu" and other enemies in studies through a seminar I attended last year. However, the more I want to correct myself, the more the I am being beaten. Since I lost most of the trust to my friends because of some incidents and some people, I scared to trust people more than I could. That's why there is a lack in communication between coursemates and me. Towards others, I can mix well. Seriously in the beginning, about studies stuffs, I have this thought-kiasuness in myself because coursemates are my enemies. Well, is not that I am mind in this kind of things: some coursemates said that I am selfish and treat them not that good compared I treat others. What?! Can't you just recall what I did? Don't always point others, think of yourself first. Made me think that all my effort of helping others like wasted. Friends from other course won't give me threat in studies compared to my coursemates. Agree? Then later I realized that I am some sort of being beaten by my evil side because I am not that "kiasu" before this. After talked to my friend, I shall start to reopen my heart to trust people more than I could. Rebuilt the trust in my heart towards others. I replied that I am trying, this really takes time. How should I communicate with my coursemates better? I have no sense of belonging since don't know when. How am I get to communicate with you all? I am trying...

emotional

2010-01-27T05:39:00.000-08:00

I need to know what exactly happened to me very badly. I easy to become so-called "emo" recently. Hard to control my emotions recently, especially at night when I am facing the laptop, books and notes alone. Is not that I am mind about being alone (certainly not mind about being alone at all!!!), what I am mind about is I started to lose control of my own emotions under the condition of I also don't know what caused me to behave like that. The good news is I didn't lose my temper or my emotions to other people at outside. People might say I think too much, well, I did thought that what people said is true, but the truth is I felt not very right with my feelings recently. Getting very hard to express out, and certainly hard to control recently.

Get to talk to a friend. I also don't know whether actually I expressed what I want to or not. I also not sure whether my mood is getting better. I still don't know yet that time, because there is other thing was actually dissipate my attention. The weird thing, I am getting better now, even though I may not express what I want to, this kind of emotions lost most of that just like that. Suddenly I felt much more better. (Maybe because I can't find a person that I trust to listen to me, so my conscious asked me fought for my better emotions? I won that match just because I told myself not to rely on people, must rely on my own?!) I am way back to my "consciousness", back to who I am now, can focus in my stuffs seriously and dedicated.

Emotional, did I fight and win over your side? Conclusion: I won.

很不对的感觉

2010-01-23T07:03:00.000-08:00

我是这样脆弱的吗? 我突然好想哭。
才开始新学期的第一个星期，我竟然想要哭。肯定不是因为想家，也不完全是学业的压力，也不完全是自己对要求自己的要求，不完全是自己的想法的作祟，也就是说我找不出一个所以然来解释我现在的心情。

来一些肺(废)话...
我想我曾经说过对别人不断的猜疑是很辛苦的，我正在经历着。因为我不想历史重演，所以相处并提防一些朋友。一些朋友正在改变着，又在想他是有居心吗，会不会又想要像上次这样害我，在背后刺一刀，搞杯葛? 有时出于自己的好心，却惹来别人的利用，感觉有点厌恶了。(有谁会喜欢?! ==)
也造成了你有某某利用价值才与你好。人越来越假情假意，真心还要吊高来卖。

还是做好自己吧，人最重要的是不能失去自我。

lyrics-Summer Memories

2010-01-16T20:37:00.000-08:00

The song entitled "Summer Memories" by Aya Kamiki is awesome. The rhythm is smooth, quite attracting my attention. By the way, this song is a little melancholic. Enjoy the translation of lyrics below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lims783byQM

Lyrics
You cannot notice easily the thing I really want
The rhyme of the sea,the wind, the waves.
It’s my prayer in the stars in the whole sky.

When I want you to be with me, you always doesn’t with me
So in the way right now, I’m only waiting for you

* Summer Memories
Because I like to keep running back throughout with those dreams
The future is far and blurred, but the times alone in the night is too long
The sky above shines

**Summer Memories
If ever I feel sad, I make fake smiles, I’m a box of happiness, a traveler who looks for it found me
Even if I act like an adult, still however my heart is weak
Without you, surely…

Summer Memories

Summer Memories

I felt afraid and cast down my eyes, my cowardice blocked the way up
So I just walked alone in this way, but still

Summer Memories
I should know that such day to come
You’ll flap your beautiful wings towards the sky
Its strange right, while small memories will be one in my heart
Without being able to forget it

Summer Memories
Living through the in memories, a traveler looks for the door of tomorrow, and found me
Even if I get away, how am I here anytime?
Even if I don’t return

Repeat *
Repeat **

Summer Memories
Summer Memories

lyrics-We survive

2010-01-12T02:03:00.000-08:00

Found this song today as I had nothing to do, so click whatever song to try at music browser. Found that this song is nice and suit my taste. This song is performed by Kotoko.

Below is the English translation of the song. The music is awesome.

translation version

Crying happy tears this wind leading me on has

A gentle smell and a warmth I've gotten used to

Now, in this bounded world, up to the horizon

What will I discover with these eyes that hide my emotions?

I journey up the satin sky keeping the hidden stars inside my heart

So that I won't be heard nor seen I spat it out quietly

But now, I'm going to banish my glorious past

Even in the distorted day or in the cold night they'll change to gemstones

Crying empty tears if you are gonna let me flow them

I wanna feel protected like this way all the time

At this moment, the thin needle has gone past a period of time

And eventually, above us the sun will surely rise

I opened both my arms to really go and swim around this small world

But making sure this time I won't smash apart the square-shaped sky

Only now, what flows unendingly is this sign of a weakness I have

Even though I only wanted to feel the heat I get from it

Crying dreamy tears that would be

So childish and immature of me

So let's flood this spontaneous empty space with some talking

In this plastic world the sun draws a perfect circle

Crying tempting tears if you got caught by them

Then before they flow much more let's say goodbye right here

No I don't want any excuses (I said, while) my back was shivering

In those slowly opening eyes the sun has surely risen

透过微笑的眼泪看见指引方向的微风
传来你温柔的气味和令我安心的温暖
现在在这个有限的世界和天空的尽头
你饱含情意的双眸想要去寻找什么?

看着如同锦缎般湛蓝的天空星星只残留在心底
仿佛什么都听不见什么都看不见轻声倾诉去一切
现在奋力打碎耀眼的过去
将歪曲的清晨寒冷的深夜都变成未经雕琢的宝石
如果空虚迷惘的眼泪可以得到原谅
我希望能够就这样一直守护在你身边
现在纤细的指针继续追赶着时间
你我的头顶也一定会有朝阳升起

对着这片方形的天空这次一定要小心翼翼
张开双臂畅游这个小小的世界
只有这次我允许自己泪流不止
为了去感觉这份代表着脆弱的热情
梦中流下的眼泪证明我其实一直
停留在孩子的心情怀念着年幼的时光
用自己的故事去填充那一片突然闪过的空白
在这个塑料的国度里亲手绘出朝阳的轮廓

若是抹不去那挥手告别时的眼泪
在昨天与明天重合之前轻声说出再见
止不住颤抖的背影不需要任何解释
缓缓睁开的眼中一定会盈满朝阳的光芒

peace

2010-01-10T22:31:00.000-08:00

平静的几个星期. 拿得起，就要放得下. 正如很多人所说的，让自己忙碌于另外一些事来麻醉自己，再加上时间这个良药(唯一的药), 渐渐地把那件事情给淡化了. 不让自己把问题复杂化, 不让自己有太多的遐想(太空闲了，难免会有遐想).

期待着忙碌的日子(我脑子是不是有问题?), 我想尽快投入忙碌的日子，忘却一切"诱惑"，专注在当下对我最重要的事. 因为被一些现在我觉得无关痛痒的事情困扰着，且造成影响，是多么不值得.

曾经问过一位朋友，为何一个人会继续在意另外一人，虽说那一个人已放下了. 朋友说，因为你认为你所付出的那另一个人没在意，不当一回事, 你失望因为他没珍惜. 这是不是叫作自作多情?

平静的心灵，过去的感慨，今日的告诫.

lyrics-Tsunaide Te

2010-01-02T07:52:00.001-08:00

"Tsunaide Te" is the third ending song (if I am not mistaken) of Fullmetal Alchemist season 2. Found chinese subtitle and English subtitle of the song. Enjoy it..

Chinese subtitle

走遍千山万水还想在此重逢

牵住我的手吧别在人群中走散

Rap:

曾经互诉衷肠直至朝阳升起

曾经两手相牵直至夕阳落山

明天后天也这样共同走过吧像那光与影

你的心中究竟在想什么

身处何种世界如今真想知晓

落寞地凝视着街道

孤单一人何来温暖

爱能让人如此坚强

邂逅了你我才察觉

走遍千山万水还想在此重逢

牵住我的手吧别在人群中走散

孤枕难眠只因缺了梦想

请带我远离所有的不安

照亮我没有星辰的夜晚

Rap:

跟随你总能去到任何地方

一人难行的道路两人的话

哼着歌儿便能轻松走过了

有你就有幸福

English subtitle

Even if we part and meet again, I want to meet at this place

Then we'll hold hands to ensure we'll never be separated again

Rap:

We used to talk all night until the sun rose

And held hands till the sun went under the horizon

Let's walk together like this forever

Like light and shadow

I stand in the city, staring off into space with lonely eyes

I can't find warmth on my own

By metting you, I realized

How much strength love could give me

Even if we part and meet again, I want to meet at this place

Then we'll hold hands to ensure we'll never be separated again

I can't sleep by myself, 'cause I can't dream without you

So take me to a place where uncertainty can't reach us

And let us bring light to the night sky with no stars

Rap:

So long as you're with me, I can go to world's end

Even if it's a path I can't walk on my own

If you're by my side, I can walk it while humming a tune

If we're together, the world is mine

If we can't meet, I will miss all the happiness

I's so worried when he hugs me tightly

It seems I will lose the sight of tomorrow in the crowds

Love is so painful

I forgot the art which glossed over loneliness

Every time when we hold our hands together

We will walk together on this road

If I think of a dream that no one ever thought of

I will make this dream come true only with you

With a happiness

Rap:

While we are arguing on Saturday

I don't want to lose you

I feel something powerful get into my body and

The love getting warmth

NO MORE CRY

Something shine on my jeans pocket

Is a call from you but I ignore it

There's something in me already calm down

Maybe I will remain calm if you were here

There are something missing and it make me scare

I want to meet that "Important Person"

I will thinking about losing to someone

I hate this town so much

I want to hold your hand

I pretend to be tough but I can't

So unreasonable...Can I cry?

Autumn season will coming soon

Even if we part and meet again, I want to meet at this place

Then we'll hold hands to ensure we'll never be separated again

Rap:

I can't sleep by myself, 'cause I can't dream without you

So take me to a place where uncertainty can't reach us

If I think of a dream that no one ever thought of

I will make this dream come true only with you

With a happiness

resolutions?

2010-01-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Used to be doing my confessions and hopes and make a self-criticism here in every year end, however, last year, didn't do so here, in another blog which is the general ones. (Of course the topic I wrote there is kinda general and like doing report...~~)

I admitted that, I need more time to "ask" myself to face my own confession, there are sorta regrets last year. What is the origin problem? Oh ya, is self-determination, is not that don't have, is less than it should be in myself Need to "upgrade" my own EQ. ~~Already enter adult world, need 收身养性 more than I shall be, especially before I have my own career.

Well, in this year, I need more 自律, cannot let other "foreign" stuffs affect me easily. I know that I am quite 后知后觉 but some things if they "attacked" and affect me, I can't shut it off so easily, my "energy" is too weak to let it off quickly. Is kinda regret for letting those unnecessarily stuffs bother me much. Shoo shoo, go away, you all obstructions!!! By the way, thanks for being the challenges to my life and helped me grow up. (矛盾的话, 但有点道理咯...)

是时候要改变下自己的视野及看法，不是说我心胸狭窄或目光不够阔，是说我应该以不同角度来看待事情，常常以别人的立场再想一遍，或许结果会不一样. 承认自己是有点自我中心，也许我想有人肯定我吧. 我很高兴我的一个朋友，她告诉了我，当然我很欣赏她的坦诚，当然诚实的话，大多时候是很难听的，但它是你成长的关键，如果一个人能从一个良友的话作检讨，从中吸取忠言, 它能助你成长. 一个辣椒朋友能陪着一个人成长是一件可以说是幸福的事，因为朋友重视你啊，想与你续前缘. (好像扯太远了)

在新的一年里，要好好坐下来反省及plan. 剩下不多的时间，要毕业了，我达到我当初承诺的事吗? 不要再蹉跎岁月了...!!!

感性?

2009-12-29T06:20:00.000-08:00

告诉自己要狠，因为吃亏了，
狠啊，
以为自己会狠起来，
但却狠不了。

要让自己对某种事物没特别的感觉，
以为自己克服得了那蠢蠢欲动的心，
以为自己能说服自己，告诫自己，
到头来还是栽了个头下去。

以为在你说了那句话，听起来很自然，但却是伤了我的心的话，
以为我会气你，
以为我会小气，
我却说没关系。

我以为我与你的交情不算很深，
不是很清楚你是怎样看待我的，
以为不会这么想念你，
但我却常常想你。

以为我很坚强，
不需要别人的可怜，
不需要别人的关怀，
但却是心灵脆弱得很。

以为很了解我自己，
以为了解自己到底想要什么，
以为自己能平衡自己的两极，
结果我根本不了解自己。